Desire Cometh

1 Month Old

2011-11-05T21:44:00.001-05:00

Olive is a month old today. Time has just flown by. Having a baby in the house has been a sizable adjustment. I have to say that I think it is even harder on couples who have 1. experienced infertility and been a family of two for any considerable amount of time & 2. have very little to no notice of baby's arrival. Our world changed in 3 days. Everything is different including the way we (hubby and I) relate to each other. Honestly, it has been really hard and even at sometimes terrible - but we are getting settled. I may write in more detail about my experience with this later. For right now I just want to keep things positive around here.

Olive is growing quickly. She is already 10 lbs! Overall she is a really good baby. She usually only cries when she really needs something. She has thrush, a herniated belly button, and neonatal teeth but other than that she is healthy. We are so blessed. My motto has been "My goal everyday is to keep her alive". I say it with a light hearted laugh, but most of the time a part of me half way means it. I am not at all confident in my mothering skills. It amazes me how life becomes very basic and primal with a newborn. Every little thing is an event, so all extra tasks; the ones that are not absolutely necessary go out the window. When she poops and burps there is a celebration. I've been staying with my mother during the week since hubby travels for his job. She and I have bonded on a whole new level. I'm so glad to get to experience this with her and I'm forever thankful for her help! I have no idea how some women do this totally on their own.

We had our first post placement visit on Oct. 17th. It went fine. We have been in contact with our lawyer to get things rolling. MamaT still hasn't had any contact with the agency. I think about her all the time. I wish I could be sharing these things with her.

Happy 1 month Birthday Olive!

At Long Last

2011-10-12T22:34:00.000-05:00

I hope you'll forgive me for keeping you suspense. After all I'm pretty busy now.

At this moment miss Olive is resting against Nana's (my mom) chest. She has been so spoiled this week. Wow, she is a week old already. That just doesn't seem possible. A week ago today...

Around 11:00 a.m. on Wednesday the 5th I heard N's ringtone sound off from my phone. I remember thinking, "What could she want?". We had been on a break, so I didn't expect to be hearing from her much until the new year. She said that there had been a baby girl born this morning. I was sort of annoyed that she was calling. Why is she telling me this stuff when we didn't want to be shown right now. She said that all they knew right now was the baby was a girl, she was african american, and the birthmom wanted a family that didn't have children. Which is why she called. Since there are only a few families that are open to african american babies and have no children, she wanted to give the birthmom as many profiles as she could. I told her that I would talk to hubby and call her back. I figured he would say no. We were still healing from BabyZ and Ella Grace. To my surprise he didn't. He said to tell N that we would like more information. So, I did. Around 2:00 p.m. N called again and said that baby was healthy. Birthmom did not report any substance abuse or medical/mental problems. I called hubby back and all of the sudden we were back in the game again. I let N know that we did want to be shown. Very shortly after she called and said that we had been picked. She said that R (who was handling the case) had already shown us (forgetting about our break) and that Mama T (what I will be calling Olive's birthmom) picked us. It was unbelievable! We were chosen again. But, my hubby was in Iowa! He travels for his job. At first I thought, well I will just have to go and do this on my own. Thankfully, my mom agreed to go with me to see her. On Thursday the 6th (also my 30th birthday) we meet N & R at the hospital @ 10:15 a.m. They got us a small room (which ended up being our room to stay) and brought her to us. I had to ask if they had brought us the right baby. Her skin was so light. She looked Caucasian. The nurse assured me that she was the right one. She said that she may get darker, or she may not. In fact, she already has darkened slightly. I just stood there. I was scared to death to hold her. I looked over at my mom and I knew that if I didn't she was going too. After some awkwardness picking her up I held her. She was beautiful. So, so beautiful. I felt content. Not at all the way that I felt the first time I held BabyZ or Ella Grace. R told us that Mama T had signed herself out of the hospital the night before. R said that she had spent some time with Olive, but that she seemed sure about adoption. Mama T did not want any contact, just pictures at the agency. I'm hoping that will change. It has always been my goal to have at least a semi open adoption. My mom and I cared for Olive in the hospital that night. At least for a while anyway before I utilized the convenience of the nursery down the hall. Hubby finally arrived on Friday morning. The daddy in him was already showing again. Olive was perfect. She ate like a horse. She had regular wet and dirty diapers. She burped easily and slept well. After seeing such a sick baby in Ella Grace, it was a relief. It is a blessing that I won't take for granted. My mom got a hotel so that hubby and I could spend some time with her. Surrenders were scheduled to be signed Saturday morning. Caring for Olive bonded me to her during those 2 days. The fact that Mama T could change her mind really didn't exist for me. I didn't need her to sign to make Olive mine, she already was. R came into our room around 10:30 a.m. and said she was ours. Seconds later the tiny room was filled with people asking questions, giving us info, and shuffling papers. It was funny because a nurse still had to wheel me out in a wheel chair even though I hadn't given birth. Then we were on our way home. We made a few stops so that we could share her with our families. Our first night, my hubby got up with her and let me rest. Being in the hospital had been exhausting. We went to church on Sunday and showed her off. She has had several visitors. Now I am staying with my parents because hubby had to go back to work today. I don't think that everything has totally set in with me yet. But, I'm adjusting. It's been a long road to get to Olive. A long, hard road. She was so worth everything.

Introducing......

2011-10-08T21:26:00.001-05:00

Our daughter!

Olive (that's what I'm calling her in blogland)

born 10-5-11 @ 5:22a.m.

weight: 6lbs 10oz

length: 19 inches

placed in our hearts 10-8-11 @ 10:30a.m.

and she has the longest fingers I've ever seen on a baby - really she does.

I will post the whole story soon, but for now just enjoy the picture and the glory of it all!

She was absolutely worth the wait!

Adoption Loss Article

2011-10-05T12:03:00.002-05:00

I came across this article today and had to share it. It very accurately describes my experience with adoption loss.

"The loss of a son was devastating enough, but that is not what lingers in my day-to-day life. I can think back over the whole experience and still touch the happiness, warmth and innocence of each one of those golden days with my son. Although it is not a place I seek out on my own, it is a gift and a miracle that I turn over and over in my mind, once something brings the memories unbidden to the surface.
I sometimes wonder if it would have helped to fight. By doing nothing, we have been reassured that we have done the best we could. I have come to know this was wise advice. But it cannot penetrate the void of not even being allowed to struggle. How can one find completion in a vacuum?
Mostly there is the senseless waste of it all. The lost happiness. The lost love. Lost ownership of the past. A lost future. And the lost present of living with an empty nursery until the time when we could take up our lives and begin moving forward once more. To go forward past this impasse, we would have had to change the definition of who we were and where we were going."

BabyZ at 2 months

2011-10-03T20:50:00.001-05:00

I wish the picture was better but I'm sure she took it with her phone. I've been stalking K on facebook, almost daily. We aren't "friends" but I am able to see some things. She posted this picture recently. It's the only picture she has posted of BabyZ. I find that sort of odd that she wouldn't be showing off scads of pictures of her new little girl. But, anyway.... she is growing more beautiful all of the time.

Also, we got an update about Ella Grace. She has an adoptive family!!! She is in a nice children's hospital getting the care that she needs. They named her Isabella Grayce. It is so amazing that we had a part in naming her. I guess that's why she needed us.

Give Me A Break

2011-09-13T21:42:00.000-05:00

We are taking an adoption break. Our agency has the option for families to sort of go "on hold". Basically we will stop being showed to birthmoms for a while. When we go back to being active we will resume our position on the list.

It's very obvious to us that we aren't in the right frame of mind or heart to dive into another match if one was to come along. We need to heal and spend some time living outside the adoption bubble. It may be a few weeks, months, or even until after the new year. As I told N, we need to rest.

Update#2

2011-09-11T00:36:00.000-05:00

I've been struggling with trying to figure out how to write this. I know I need to, but a huge part of me doesn't want to at all. It's horrid really. My grief is immense. My guilt and shame as well. There's nothing that I can say or do that will change how it turned out. I'm hoping that one day I can see all sides clearly.

We got to see Ella before Mama Live signed the papers. She did eventually sign a few hours after she was originally scheduled to do so. R told us that she seemed to be at peace with her choice. Anyway, when we walked up to Ella's incubator I noticed that she wasn't as small I expected. I had never seen a premature baby up close before, but I thought that she would be much tinier. She looked to be only a bit smaller than a healthy full term baby. However, you could tell right away that she was anything but. My hubby's first question was, "Is she blind?". The nurse said that she didn't know. Her eyes were totally blank. She stared at nothing. I don't recall even seeing her blink. It was like looking into a doll's eyes. There was nothing there to respond back. It was terribly shocking. Even worse was that she never cried or made any noise at all. Except for gagging. Her little body was involuntarily spasming every time she tried to cough up the mucus that threaten to suffocate her. She wasn't strong enough to cough so the nurses had to suction her throat every few minutes. It seemed like each time a nurse would insert that suction tube, they would poke it even deeper than the time before. When the spasms would stop for a few minutes we could put our hands through the holes in the incubator and touch her. She had little to no reaction to the stimulation. She had a tube for feeding in her nose, all kinds of wires coming from her right hand and arm, and heart stickers on her chest. All the numbers on the machine over head were different for her than the other babies near her. Our first visit only lasted a few minutes. As heartbreaking as it was to see a baby in such a condition, I didn't want to leave her. R, N, & an intern I'll call "A" stood outside the NICU waiting for us. We rejoined them. Also standing with them was the doctor. He told us that Ella had been exposed to more than just heroin. She also tested positive for cocaine and meth. I would venture to say that she was probably exposed to cigarettes and alcohol too since those things usually round out an addicts lifestyle. The doctor said that it was too early to tell how she would do. But, he seemed to be very positive about her. I really wanted to believe him. Really, really bad. It was the nurse that spoke the truth as much as I didn't want to hear it. When we were standing with Ella, she mentioned how bad it looked in several different ways. R, N, & A all went to see Ella themselves. N came back with an expression on her face that told me that she was scared too. We walked down the hall to a waiting area to discuss everything. I don't remember everything that was said. We were still waiting for Mama Live to sign. I just kept thinking that Ella needed someone. She deserved to have parents and a name. We decided to all go to the cafeteria for lunch. We ate and talked about other things. I talked to my sister-in-law (a nurse) several times on the phone. At this point I didn't think that I could see her again until papers were signed. It was just too hard. Finally Mama Live texted R to meet her to sign papers. Me, hubby, and N went back to the waiting area. N questioned us about a lot of things. I stated several times that I didn't know what I thought we should do. After an hour, R & A came back and said that Mama Live had signed. Ella was ours for the taking. I wanted a baby so bad. We went back into the NICU. I asked the nurse if I could hold her. When she placed her in my arms it was like I didn't see the tubes and wires anymore. I didn't notice the lifelessness in her eyes. I didn't care about how sick she was or what it would take to keep her alive. The nurse tried to tell me again how hard it would be, but I didn't want to listen. My sister-in-law called again with concerns that we were getting in over our heads, I didn't hear her. I told my hubby that I wanted her. I wanted her right then. No waiting. No thinking. No praying. We passed her back and forth. I don't know how long we left our entourage waiting in the hallway, but eventually N came over and tried to speak with us. I don't know what she said. I told her that we wanted Ella. She said that the placement papers weren't usually signed until the baby was discharged but she could see about getting them for us right then. My hubby said no, that they could wait. I still didn't care what they were saying. Like I was in a happy little bubble of denial. N hugged me and I started to cry. I didn't question the fact that it was a sad cry instead of a happy cry. I don't know why. We stayed a while longer. The nurse still trying to tell me, me still blowing her off. Finally we had to say goodbye because I had to get up early the next day to have surgery. The nurse placed her back into her box. I said, "Bye bye Ella" several times. I had been rocking her too. If we hadn't been around others I'm sure I would have sang to her also. All the things that I wouldn't allow myself to do with BabyZ. After we left we ate dinner. I was all smiles. I was finally going to have the baby that I had desired for so long. I called my mom and told her all of the great news, as I saw it. We decided to stay the night at my mom's since she would be taking me to my surgery the next morning. I was insisting that my hubby go be with our baby instead of going with us. About 20 minutes from my mom's house - it was like a bomb dropped on me. I can't tell you what forced me to come out of my haze. But, everything was suddenly very clear to me. I started to try to talk it out. I realized that there was no way we could take her. I was finally hearing everything that the nurse had been trying to tell me. Our situation wasn't compatible with what she needed. My hubby is gone several days at a time for his job. Sometimes all week. If Ella was severally handicapped she would need two parents caring for her at all times. Not to mention the money factor. These were things that were true and would not change. I started saying them. Hubby was trying to come up with solutions, but that just made me louder. It was like I was trying to get through to myself. I've never screamed at him like that before, and I promise never to do it again. I was pounding my fist on the dash yelling, "Don't you see, it doesn't matter how much I want her - she needs better!". I'm surprised that he didn't throw my out of our truck along side the highway. It's just a testament to the wonderful man that he is. I was acting like a lunatic. But, it was true. We both knew it, although it would take him another 24 hours to let go of her. The rest of the way to my mom's house I cried harder and crazier than I ever have before. I couldn't believe what I had done. I said yes to the situation just for the sack of saying yes. Putting aside the reality of Ella's obvious condition to try and make my sick fantasy come true. I did love her. But, I couldn't take her. I was not the best thing for her. When my hubby was ready, I texted N and told her that we couldn't take the placement. Being the nice woman that she is she said she understood.

The last update (this morning) I received on Ella was that there was no change. She was not gaining weight. She is not thriving. She needs a miracle. And, she still needs a family.

Update

2011-09-09T21:05:00.000-05:00

The last three days have been really hard. I'm hoping to feel up to writing the whole thing tomorrow. I've pretty much slept all day due to the D&C I had yesterday. I did want to go ahead and say that we did not bring Marshmallow home with us. It's not a long story, like BabyZ's, but it's even more difficult for me to share. Marshmallow- I might as well just call her Ella Grace - still needs prayer. Lots and lots of prayer.

Marshmallow Match

2011-09-05T12:53:00.000-05:00

The last blog post as become our story to tell.

4:13 p.m. - N calls and says that baby (we decided to call her Marshmallow, hubby's idea) tested positive for heroin. She wanted to know if we were still on board. We said we were. She said that they were still working with birthmom (I honestly don't know her name, so I'm going to call her Mama Live because I hope she will soon begin to live her life without addiction).

4:49 p.m. - N calls again. She says that there had been some debate on if they should tell us the news or not because of our recent loss but N finally won out on the basis that A. she had just met with me on Friday and felt that I had been dealing with the grief very well and B. that hubby has a very unpredictable travel schedule for work. Mama Live did not want to chose a family. So, by default we were it. We were the first family on the list that was open to the situation. We were really excited.

According to the doctor Marshmallow is doing very well. Other than being small and a bit jittery, she is perfect so far. We are praying that her withdrawal is as painless as possible. From what I read it starts within the first few days of life. I'm sort of glad that she was premature also because she will be spending probably at least two weeks in the hospital. As far as long term affects, we just don't know. They could be as simple as minor learning disabilities, or as bad as retardation, or anything in between. All we can do is pray. "R", the other social worker that is working the situation because N is out of town, said that Marshmallow is beautiful and has lots of dark hair. Her race is sort of up in the air right now. Some of the nurses say they think she is white, some say she is biracial. Time will tell I guess. Mama Live is white, so needless to say the birthdad is truly unknown. In fact, Mama Live didn't know she was pregnant. It is estimated that she was 34 weeks along. It's a miracle that Marshmallow wasn't smaller.

Mama Live is an addict, as I said. She told R that she knows she has a problem and needs help but she isn't ready yet. After giving birth to Marshmallow, they took her to the nursery and Mama Live hasn't seen her. She didn't even want to know Marshmallow's gender. She doesn't want to meet us and she doesn't want any contact after placement. Her only request was pictures, updates, and letters to be sent to the agency over the years just in case she later wants them. I will gladly do it. I'm really feeling so sad for Mama Live. She obviously has a lot of issues and needs as much prayer as Marshmallow.

Surrenders are scheduled to be signed on Wednesday @ 11:00a.m. We are not allowed to see Marshmallow until she is ours. This is really hard. We want to be with her so badly. Or at least to see her once. I'm sure the nurses are wonderful and are taking good care of her, but I get these visions of her laying among dozens of other babies, no one paying her any attention. No one bonding with her. But, it is out of our control. I keep praying that the Lord will put an angel with her to comfort her until I can. I am hoping that the hospital will have room for me to stay there with her through her until we can bring her home. If not, then I'm not sure what I am going to do. We can't afford a hotel for two weeks (or more). I could drive back and forth, but it's two hours each way. We'll just have to see what happens.

On My Knees

2011-09-04T14:47:00.000-05:00

This morning I was woke up by my phone, but it wasn't my alarm. It was N's ringtone. As sleepy as I was I could tell it was early, but the sun was up. My first thought was, "All babies are born in the early morning". I answered and N apologized for calling so early. She is so polite, but really she could call me seriously any time at all. The one person on the planet that I don't mind hearing from no matter what time it is. She said that a baby girl had been born this morning. She is premature, born at 34 weeks. She weighs 4 lbs (and some ounces-I already forget what she said). Birthmom is Caucasian. Birthdad is unknown. The more she talks the more excited I am. Then she says that bmom admits to using heroin during the pregnancy and she had no prenatal care. My heart immediately began to hurt. I never blame the addicted. We all have our vices. It's the demon of addiction and this broken world that is at fault. N wanted to know if we would be open to the situation. If we would like to have our profile shown to the bmom. In my heart, I heard "yes". But, before I could answer she told me to talk to my hubby about it and let her know. So, I hung up and woke him up. He considered it carefully and asked what I thought. I told him that I didn't know because I wanted his honest opinion rather than his desire to please me. After several more minutes he said, "Yeah, lets do it". I texted N back with a simple "yes". We decided to go back to sleep to make sure we were good and rested. We would stick close to home just in case we did get the call to go to the hospital. At 12:30 I texted N for an update. She said that they were still working with the bmom. That was the last I heard. It's 2:30 now. I don't know how many couples were open to the situation. My guess would be very few. There have been a few other situations that involved hard drugs, and most of the other couples weren't up to it. Including us. Always before we said no. My only explanation to our change of heart is our time with BabyZ. Not that her situation involved drugs. But, holding her and caring for her really changed us. These "situations" are babies. BabyZ didn't make us parents - but she did give us a whole new love for babies. And an even stronger desire to care for one.

I'm praying that this baby girl does not test positive for heroin. She should not have to suffer because of addiction. I'm praying that she will be perfect and flourish. I'm praying that her mother will get the help she needs. That she will be able to do what is best for her child and herself. I'm praying that it will all turn out for God's glory.

This baby girl and her mother already have a place in my heart and I will continue to pray for them even if we aren't picked.

Meeting Coming Up

2011-08-27T16:13:00.000-05:00

We have a meeting with our social worker next Friday September 2nd. Or maybe I should say that I have a meeting with her. Hubby might not be able to go depending on where he is sent for work. It will be the first time that she and I have talked since the failed adoption (or as I like to call it "adoption loss"). I requested the meeting weeks ago. I thought it would help me feel like we were regrouping. I plan to talk to her about our expectations of our next match. Things are going to be a little different next time around. Our post placement openness will remain the same. But, now that I know what to expect during the pre-placement stage there is no way that I can be as open and trusting. We have to protect ourselves. With K we exchanged emails. I can't do that again. We can't stay at the hospital again. We plan to get a hotel room nearby and spend a lot of time with baby in the nursery until surrenders are signed. I can't share our baby names again. I think it would be a better idea for all of us to come up with a nickname for the baby until surrenders are signed. If birthmom has an issue with not naming the baby then we know we have a problem. We can't pay any of her expenses. We did that for K and we regret it big time. I can't go to doctors appointments. It's better to make up my mind about these things and let N know ahead of time that way everyone will be on the same page when the time comes. Also, I'm going to bring with me an updated version of our letter. I'm working on getting new pictures taken (as soon as the weather cools down) and one of those fancy photo books instead of just the album that we had before.

Adoption Loss: Loosing BabyZ

2011-08-06T00:31:00.000-05:00

Adoption Loss

[BabyZ only a few hours old]

I've posted all about our story of meeting and then loosing BabyZ (formally know as El on my blogs) on my main blog. They are lengthy posts so it seems easier to just link to them here rather than even copy&paste.

Pictures and A Video

Mis-Matched Part 1

Mis-Matched Part 2

Note: Kmom will be know as just "K" from now on as well.

Houston We Have A Problem

2011-07-18T22:16:00.002-05:00

The inducement isn't happening. I really don't understand for sure what is going on, all I know is that it is not happening. I'm confused, frustrated, suspicious and tired. I need a vacation.

We Have Lift Off

2011-07-14T17:44:00.001-05:00

We finally have a date! Kmom is being induced next Friday (July 22nd) @ 10:00 a.m. I am so excited to have a certain date. All of this not knowing has been making me crazy. We are meeting N & Kmom at the hospital. The plan as of now is for me to be in the room for the delivery. Then after the nurses and doctors are done with her, El will be staying with us in our very own room at the hospital. There we will wait the three days until Kmom signs the surrenders. The state says she has to wait three days. If everything goes well, we may have a baby sometime on the 22nd and then bring her home on the 25th. She is fairly close to her due date, so I doubt that she will be low birth weight. But, if she is we may have to wait a few days/weeks to bring her home. That will be really difficult, but I'm trying not to get to ahead of myself. Yes, Kmom could change her mind. But, again, I will deal with that if and when it happens. Right now, I am focusing on wrapping up all my preparations and being totally positive.

Disappointment

2011-06-30T23:24:00.000-05:00

Don't get me wrong, I can deal with disappointment. It goes with the territory. But, it's never easy. Today N texted me and told me that Kmom had gone to the hospital again yesterday because she was having trouble. While she was there they gave her an ultrasound. So, she isn't having one tomorrow. I was so looking forward to seeing El in action. I've never looked at an ultrasound screen and seen a baby on there, only cysts or my weird uterus. It meant a lot to me. [sigh] Oh well. The rest of the news isn't real encouraging. The baby has turned from her breech position, but she is now sideways. Also, Kmom has made it definite that she is waiting for El to come on her own rather than provoking her arrival this weekend. Which brings me back to simply waiting and seeing. Seeing and waiting. It puts me in the mind of Eeyore - "Oh Bother!".

Ultrasound Appointment

2011-06-29T18:24:00.000-05:00

Isn't that an amazing picture of a baby in utero. I'm sure it is probably not actually in utero but it is really neat anyway.

Friday Kmom is having an ultrasound. She had an amnio last Saturday, although we haven't heard the results. If the doctor thinks the the baby is developed enough and that it would be best for Kmom to deliver, then we may have a baby on Friday. However, Kmom isn't too thrilled about the turning, inducement, or a c-section. Basically, she would be more comfortable with El just coming on her own time. I would be thrilled if El came this weekend, but I just want everyone to be happy and healthy. At the moment I'm trying to focus on just the ultrasound.

It's A Girl!

2011-06-27T21:14:00.001-05:00

You can't believe how hard it has been not to tell. The reason that I can tell now is that Kmom found out the sex, accidentally. She wasn't feeling well last week and went to the hospital and a nurse spilled the beans to her. Our visit went well. Kmom told us that the baby is breach. Because Kmom's health isn't good they are hoping to deliver baby on Friday. They are going to try to turn baby. But, if they can't then they will do a c-section. Kmom has said that she wants me in the room for a vaginal birth. She is allowing us to name the baby. We have chosen the name, but here I will be calling her "El". We will have our own room at the hospital for the 72 hour wait and El will room with us. I'm just more thrilled than I can stand.

Peanut Is Still In There

2011-06-13T00:25:00.001-05:00

We had some excitement on Friday. Our social worker "N" called and said that Kmom was having regular contractions. My first reaction was fear because Peanut was so early. However, our next news was that Kmom was further along than previously thought. Kmom is said to now be 32 weeks along and Peanut is weighing in at 5 lbs. I was told that they were going to probably try to stop labor. Since, we haven't heard anything else since Friday I'm guessing that they were successful. People seemed to be appalled at the fact that we aren't totally up to date on everything going on, but all I can do is wait to be informed. This baby is not mine yet. Kmom can tell me as much or as little as she wants. I am thrilled that Peanut is still baking!

Meanwhile, I am still sick. Yesterday I gave in and went to the E.R. I really had had enough. After waiting for 4 hours they told me that it was a sinus infection. Chest X-ray was clear. I'm guessing that I got the sinus infection on top of the bronchitis. Anyway, I'm taking a stronger antibiotic. I took my first pill today, so we shall see. You know, when you get sick and you are feeling really miserable there is always a little comfort in knowing that the symptoms will pass in a few hours or days. I've been sick for around 4 weeks now and I'm having a hard time seeing the end of this tunnel at this point. The mucus continues.

The Doctors Appointment

2011-06-03T16:43:00.001-05:00

The previous post was from about a week ago. I wrote it on my other blog but forgot to post it here.

I don't know why I didn't write about the experience before. I guess I just like to soak in things before I share. I met my mother at her work place and she drove from there. I'm not a great driver and I've never driven on the interstate before. To get to our agency- it requires interstate travel. Plus, it was special to have my mother along - even if she couldn't go to the actual appointment with me. My mom dropped me off at the agency and I climbed into a car with our social worker, "N". We picked up Kmom and one of her children. When we pulled up to the doctor's office, "N" commented on her eye bothering her. I asked if I could see it, and sure enough it was super red. By the time we all sat down in the waiting room her eye was blood red and swelling. She managed to get some benadryl from a nurse. In the meantime, we were escorted into the exam room. A very small exam room. 3 women, a small child, and a nurse - it was a very, very small room. The nurse brought in a glass of orange stuff that Kmom had to drink for her diabetes test. Then she says, "We will test you in exactly one hour". I had no idea that the gestational diabetes test takes a whole hour. None of us did. We all sort of looked at each other like we weren't sure we had prepared to be together for an hour. In the small room. The doctor came in. He looked a little taken back by the crowd before him. Even though he knew about the adoption stuff, I don't think he was prepared for the situation. He acted like he wasn't sure who to address in the room. All I said to him was, "Hi". I didn't say much at all. I felt like I should only be a casual observer. He did a quick sonogram. I say quick because he just squirted a little of that clear jelly on her belly and literally swiped his wand over it once. But, it was enough for me. That little bleep... bleep was awesome. It was the first time that I felt like I really was going to be a mommy (hopefully). Then Kmom asked the doctor if the sex of the baby was in the file. The doctor seemed confused, he was like - didn't we tell you before? Kmom reminded him that she didn't want to know, but she told him that the adoptive parents should know. I was floored that she actually wanted us to know. Like, it was her idea. Her suggestion. The doctor looks over at me and smiles. He flips through his file folder and asks if it would be ok if he wrote it down and put it in an envelope. I greedily shook my head yes. The nurse comes back in and starts to pull out the stirrups and that was our cue to go. "N" and I parked ourselves out in the waiting room again. Her eye was already looking better. Kmom's child had fallen asleep and because "N" was on the phone I held the kid. It was very different to be sitting in an O.B. waiting room, surrounded by pregnant women and holding a kid myself. Not my kid, but you know it was...... very...... like I didn't belong there. Some of the people who were there when we came in were still sitting there and I wondered what they thought about our crew. What, did they think the situation was - because we did turn a few heads when we all came in together. There is a racial difference. An age difference. And how normal is it for three women to come together for an O.B. appointment. Despite all of that, the biggest thing on my mind was that seemed so natural. Like of course it should be this way. We had been sitting out there for a while and "N" stepped outside to talk privately on her phone. Kmom came back. I wondered what her reaction would be if she saw me sitting there holding her child alone. She actually didn't seem to have one. I handed her child back to her and we had pretty good friendly conversation. "N" came back in and took on some of the small talk. Then a receptionist came out carrying a long white envelope and handed it to me. I felt like she was giving me the most precious gift that I've ever received thus far in my life. But, I simply slid it into my purse and redirected my attention as if it were no big deal. As the nurse had promised, we waited an hour and they told Kmom that she had passed her test. I didn't open the envelope until I was back in my mother's car. I asked my mom, "Are you sure you want to know?". Her answer was yes of course. I ripped open the envelope and it was written on an index card. I'm not going to write the sex here because it's an open blog and Kmom or "N" could stumble onto it. So, until baby comes I'm still saying Peanut on my blogs. It was an amazing experience and I am loving this whole thing.

Me and an O.B.

2011-06-03T16:40:00.001-05:00

I've been to many a gyno's office in the past 7 years since infertility permeated my life. But, never for the purpose of using the doctor as an OB. Tomorrow I get to go with Kmom to a doctor's appointment and I have no idea what to expect. I'm so thankful that the social worker is going too. Kmom doesn't want to know the sex, but I'm hoping that I can find out for myself. It's so amazing that Kmom wants me to go. It was her suggestion that I should go with her. During our first meeting she even mentioned the possibility of me being in the delivery room. What an amazing experience that would be. Seriously, never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect such an awesome opportunity. She is the birthmom that I have been praying for all this time.

Peanut's First Picture

2011-05-13T19:42:00.003-05:00

Isn't Peanut cute! This picture was taken on Monday. Kmom wanted us to have a copy of it. She is so awesome! You know, I have been excited and everything - but when I laid eyes on my Peanut, I was in love. It's all over folks. I'm officially hooked. Yeah, I have my hopes up!

The Rest of The Story

2011-04-30T22:07:00.003-05:00

My mom used to listen to Paul Harvey, ergo I listened to it too. I loved how he would say, "and know the rest of the story".

I left something out of my story yesterday. Well, a lot of somethings actually, but I'm not giving all of the details of our conversation. It's just not necessary. I mean something pretty important. However, we had decided to keep it to ourselves for awhile. Or at least I thought we did. My hubby went over to my parent's house today and I guess my mother sensed that we had left some things out. She questioned him and he found himself faced with telling my mom the truth or lying. So, some of our news got out. I was a little annoyed but I figured if we were coming out with it then we might as well go for it. So, I'll start where I left off.
After we left our agency we stopped at a Petco because that's what childless couple's do. I was checking out the dog clothes and my phone rang. It was "N"s ring tone. I couldn't imagine why she would be calling us so soon. When she started talking I felt like she was going to tell us that we had struck out. She was speaking very slow and I guess I was trying to prepare myself for bad news. Then she said, "Kmom loved you guys and she wants you". I was quiet. Trying to process what she was saying. She was like, "Are you excited!". I answered yes but I was so numb. I think I recovered pretty good by faking it. I made my voice get squeaky. Before she hung up I had finally begun to realize what was happening. My hubby was standing there going - What? I just laughed. REALLY loud. I laughed with gladness. I laughed with relief. I laughed with that "Oh My CRAP I'm going to be a mom!". 2 years and 8 mos worth of heartache just leaked out of me with that laugh. Sarah laughed, and so did I.
"And Sarah laughed within herself...." Genesis 18:12

I will share that Kmom is due in August. We've decide to call the baby "peanut". It's been a pet name with us for many years and we don't want to say "it" for the next 4 mos. The exact due date is unknown because she wasn't aware of the pregnancy for several months. Peanut is healthy and right on track with everything according to Kmom's doctor. She has chosen not to find out the sex. We are excited, but can't help but be reserved. While she seems very sure about her decision, I know that a baby changes everything. She can and may change her mind about us or adoption all together. I've seen it happen over and over. As I've said before, though, I have to hope. It's all I've got. I would rather hope than live in misery trying not to.

Sweet Serenity

2011-04-29T21:53:00.001-05:00

The picture pretty much describes how I am feeling right now. Very serene and calm. In fact I was calm all day. I slept peacefully last night. It was very unlike me considering the situation. I can only give God the credit. I knew that people were praying for us. I only shared our news with a few people. Of course the ladies at work new because that's where I was when I got the call. I was so excited. I also told three close friends, my sister-in-law, and my parents (oh, and anyone who reads my blog). I didn't want to tell everyone we knew because it's impossible to untell - like if she decided not to meet us after all. Anyway, I honestly only got a little nervous once. But, I'll get to that in a minute. First I just wanted to say that I'm not going to give every detail of our meeting. Some of it feels very raw and personal. But, I am excited to get some of it out. We both woke up about 8:00 a.m. this morning, even though we didn't really need to leave until 12:00. It takes about two hours to get to our agency. We snuggled in bed and talked about..... well, everything. We invited Mo into bed, which was a rare treat for him. About 9:30 I got up and gave myself a pedicure. Really, I did. I was planning to wear sandals and I knew it would make feel more confident. I picked, filed, exfoliated, buffed, and painted. I got showered and dressed (I ended up wearing jeans because it was a little chilly) around 11:00. My husband laid out some clothes, and I laid out some new ones. LOL Poor guy. I searched through my greeting card stash for the perfect thank you card. Our sw suggested that we bring a thank you card to give to Kmom. So, I found on that was homemade, like with all of that stampin stuff. Looked like I made it. I wrote something like, " thanks for meeting with us. we will be praying for you and your baby." and included a bible verse. At 12:00 we were off. We stopped half way at a Wendy's. By the way, there new sea salt fries are soggy. We arrived at the agency a few minutes before 2:00. The whole way there we just listened to the radio and chatted about our week. I was so surprised that neither of us was freaking out yet. We entered the building and checked in with the receptionist. "N" showed up after a couple minutes with our photo album. She said that we could show it to her to break the ice. So, with album in hand we followed her down the hall to a meeting room. As I sat down to begin talking all of my saliva was gone. But, I started in anyway and I was fine. We met for an hour. We asked a few questions, but the ball was mostly in Kmom's court. We really liked her. She is very friendly and funny. "N" walked us out and spoke to us briefly in the parking lot. She told us she would call us as soon as she knew what the verdict was.
At the moment that is all I'm willing to share. I had no idea that I would feel so reserved about it, but I do. It feels very precious.
"...and his mother kept and closely and persistently guarded all these things in her heart." Luke 2:51

THE Phone Call

2011-04-28T14:21:00.002-05:00

You know, that magical phone call that all waiting adoptive couple's are waiting for. The one that has your social worker on the other end and she is saying, "You've been chosen!". We finally got one. Finally! After two years and 8 months, we finally really have a birthmom interested in meeting us. It happened Tuesday while I was at work. I was having a difficult day. The daycare children seemed to be particularly rowdy and my patients were long gone. I was all ready to enter my happy place and walk the rest of the day in auto pilot when I feel a vibration in my pocket. I take my phone out just in time to see that I have a missed call. I non-chalontly flip my phone open and choose to view who it was and I am awe struck to see that it is our social worker "N". My breath is caught in my chest as I realize that she has called me in the middle of the day when she knows I would be at work. She could have waited until later. It's an emergency!!! I look up at my boss who is looking at me with annoyance because I have my phone out during circle time. "It's our social worker", I say with as much wonderment as you can imagine and more. Her reaction is one of confusion- "Our adoption worker", I remind her. "Can I call her back!" It was really more of a declaration that I was going to call rather than a request for permission. She nods her head in acknowledgement while singing the silly preschool song coming from the boom box. I practically run to the kitchen where I can have a little quiet and privacy. I fumble with my phone buttons, trying to call up my "missed calls" category. Then my phone tells me that I have a voice message. I listen to it and she is indeed telling me that I have to call her as soon as possible. Finally I manage to locate the right contact and call her work cell phone. And............. no one answers. I'm starting to sweat thinking that she may be contacting another couple on the list and giving our baby away. Seconds later, she calls me back again. She says, "I'm calling for two reasons", I'm thinking, "Oh boy, TWINS!". That makes me smile just typing it. "First reason is that we need to reschedule your home visit to another date." I'm like ok, and...... "And the second is that I've been working with a new birthmom and she wants to meet you guys". Now, there was a lot more stuff after that, but I wasn't really listening. My only responses were, "You're kidding me" & "Friday". So, tomorrow we go to have our first match meeting. The only details I have are that the baby is healthy, the birthmom's name (I will be calling her "Kmom" here), and that she hasn't found out the sex because she didn't want to know. I'm mostly still in shock I think. I emailed our sw with a bunch of questions today. I'm hoping that the weather is good tomorrow so that I can wear the outfit that I'm wanting to wear. Khaki capri's, feminine frilly tank top with peach flowers, and a new pair of sandal's that my dad picked out for me recently. I have clue what to do with my hair. I know these are silly things but it's all the deeper my brain is letting me get right now. Tonight, I probably won't be able to sleep and I will be working myself up into a bunch of anxiety. I will probably puke at least once. Maybe even hyperventilate. By 2 o'clock tomorrow though, I will be as cool as a cucumber and ready for whatever. Am I getting my hopes up? Absolutely! All I got is hope. All I've ever had is hope! But, yeah, I realize that she may not like us. Even if she does, she might change her mind. She might decide to parent, even after the baby is born. Illinois law says she has to wait three days before signing surrenders. But, I gotta hope! I'll post about the meeting when we get home Friday. Your prayers are coveted and appreciated!

Another Home Visit

2011-03-26T18:21:00.002-05:00

We have another home visit with our social worker scheduled for April 29th. There really hasn't been anything new to tell. We just keep waiting.

Adoption Profile

2010-10-15T16:34:00.001-05:00

We have an official online adoption profile! Very exciting! Check us out here.

We are [Ricky & Bethanie].

Where you at?

2010-10-15T15:57:00.004-05:00

I haven't blogged much, on either blogs, for several weeks. We don't have internet at home right now because we are attempting to get ahead of our debt and my mother was having some issues with her internet, plus I've been working a lot.

Today we had our 6 month monitoring visit. It went fine as usual. I'm hoping the next time she comes it will be for a post placement visit. That would be awesome!

When I Hear That Ringtone

2010-08-26T16:33:00.002-05:00

I have a special ringtone for our adoption specialist. So, when I hear that sound coming from our phone I get about as excited as that cat above. My heart begins to pound right out of my chest as I race to locate the cell phone. As I lift it to my ear to answer, my entire being is screaming, "THIS IS IT!". There has been two "this is it" calls, although they didn't pan out. Well, it never fails that I have the same reaction every time. She called today and I nearly peed my pants. Of course by the time I actually squeak out some sort of greeting I have to pretend to be as calm as if I had no idea who was on the other end. Today she wanted to tell me about the agency's new online profiles. They are putting our picture and letter online for birthmoms to look at before they even contact the agency. Many agencies have these. They've decided to only post the first 4 families on the list. I guess they are tired of having us on there :D [Alright people lets move it]

I am really excited that they are doing this because I think that it will up our chances of a placement greatly! **let the happy dance commence**

Our Adoption Agency

2010-08-23T21:05:00.003-05:00

I was asked about our agency, so I'm going to talk about it. As you can see by the name, it is a local agency. Meaning they only serve people in Southern Illinois. However, we can work with birthmom's from northern Illinois and outside of the state. Many birthmom's come from St. Louis Mo. since their main office is in Belleville, IL (very near St. Louis).

We chose to work with them for several reasons. The main reason was that we really liked the social worker that we met with on our informational meeting. She was also the one that worked with us for about a year before we got a different one (who we also like). Other reasons were:

They were fairly close. We could meet with our social worker at a branch office that was only 45 min. away and her office is only 2 hours away. We live in the middle of nowhere so we are used to traveling to do anything.
Their fees are income based. All together (including legal fees) the total is $10,000 for us. It is not the lowest bracket, nor is it the highest.
They did not require us to pay them something before meeting with them. Many other agencies won't even talk to you unless you send them an application along with the app. fee. And I should add that their application fee was one of lowest that we had seen.
We liked that they are very big on open adoption, but also that they work with both parties (adoptive & birth parents) to figure out what specifics feels best on a case by case basis. Like pictures, letters, etc.
And they were our next to last option. The last agency that was on our list was Bethany Christian Services out of Chicago. We really didn't want to travel to Chicago if we didn't have to. We had 5 agencies on our list. The Bethany office in Southern Illinois, which we met with but didn't feel that they were right for us. Angel's Cove in Mt. Vernon Illinois. They are a crisis maternity center. They were unwilling to meet with us at all. Lutheran Social Services of Illinois seemed nice on the phone, but wouldn't meet with us without the application (and fee). And then ours.

I like that our social worker pretty well knows us. We aren't just a file to her. She is good about returning my phone calls and emails. I also like that she is a mother herself. She is the same age as me and she seems to be very responsible and professional. I know many adoption specialists are very young. I think some agencies like them that way because they are more free to travel and be on call all the time.

All and all, I think we have been pretty happy with our agency. Picking an agency is a major decision in the adoption journey. I would say, do your homework and go with your instincts.

Discontentment

2010-08-21T14:49:00.003-05:00

I think it is no secret that I've been suffering from discontentment for a pretty long time. This last week I've been reading up on all sorts of "family building" options. "Family building" - that's what they call it when people with broken reproducers try to find a way to have kids. I guess I decided that I was sick of waiting on domestic infant adoption and I was going to move on to something else. I researched international adoption, 3rd party gestation, and frozen embryo adoption. Each night I was up late reading the computer screen until my eyes were blurry and my mouse hand hurt. I discussed FEA with my husband and being the wonderful guy he is he said, "Lets go see a doctor I guess". But, I had been waiting from some word from the Lord letting me know what He thought we should do. I knew deep down that I hadn't gotten his permission yet to deviate from DIA. My own restlessness doesn't mean that He wants us to move on. It just means I'm impatient and controlling. Last night I decided that it was time to shut the computer down and do some reading before my brain completely roted away. While I was reading the latest Christian Amish book, some words from my husband came into mind. A few days ago he was talking about a coworker and he mentioned that he and his wife had never had any children. I asked him why they hadn't tried anything and his answer was, "I guess they are happy with their life just the two of them.". At the time I didn't give his statement much thought, but as it entered my memory out of nowhere last night I realized that God was speaking. Three years ago I was perfectly happy being a "family of two". I could see our life as being full of exciting adventures between my husband and I. I was so thankful for my marriage and the man God had put me with. I was content. I went into adoption with the attitude that if God gave us a baby that I would be so blessed but if He didn't then I could continue my happiness in our partnership. Unfortunately, something changed along the way. I became obsessed with being impatient. I wouldn't even say I was obsessed with the adoption itself or with hoping for a baby. I have been insanely impatient for the sake of being unhappy. I have been bathing in self pity. In conclusion, God said, "You better cut it out and be happy with the opportunity that I have given you!" (exact words mine of course). In other words, I have to be content with the place that God has brought me to (waiting) and live for the love story that He is writing within my life. So, there will be no changing strategies for me. I am glad to have more knowledge about international adoption and embryo adoption (they are both wonderful things), but we won't be doing them this time around, if ever. I have more faith now than I ever have that God will make us parents via domestic adoption. But, if we remain childless into old age then that has to be ok too. God has given me such an awesome thing that I don't deserve - my marriage. I've been going on and on about wishing that I could know what God has in store for my future. But, he probably isn't going to tell me and I have to accept that it doesn't matter because He has all of the control.

Embryo Adoption

2010-08-18T22:06:00.004-05:00

I've been reading a lot about Embryo Adoption in the last couple of days and it is all very interesting. Compared to Domestic & International Adoption there isn't a lot of information about the subject. It is still a fairly new concept. I remember the first time I learned about it. I thought snowflake babies sounded really special. I've always known though that I would not be a good candidate for it. It's more for couples who just have problems getting pregnant, not really for a woman who can't stay pregnant. But, I've read in a few places that Seragent Embryo Adoption has been done. It seems to be extremely uncommon - but still it has me wondering. Why couldn't I adopt some snowflakes and have them melt into babies inside someone else?

You may be asking, "Are you switching directions mid-stream here?!" Not exactly. But, I am sort of looking at the other possible options. I so want to be a mommy, and make my hubby a daddy. After two years of waiting on DIA - it seems that maybe we should at least look.

Adoption How-To # 2

2010-08-12T21:38:00.004-05:00

A hot button issue in adoption is networking. Networking is what they call it when you advertise yourself. Basically you tell anyone and everyone (by whatever means necessary) that you are adopting and you are eager for a placement. Our agency does some networking. We've had our social worker do it for us twice since we've been waiting. She sends our "dear birthmom" letter and picture to various doctor's offices and hospitals. That way the doctors have it available if they have a patient who is interested in adoption. When our agency first told me about this I really didn't think it would do much good. I thought it would be a waste of time. But, my husband said that we might as well go ahead and give it a try. We wanted to do everything that was available to us. Also, a part of networking is just talking to people. Telling everyone you know, and sometimes people you don't know, that you are adopting. Those things seem pretty much normal. Its those other ways that get people all bent out of shape. We were over a year into our waiting time and I was getting very restless. It was driving me crazy that I felt like I couldn't do anything to further our progress. I started researching other ways to do some networking on my own. I discovered that some people make up business cards with their picture and information and hand them out. Also, some people make fliers and post them on bulletin boards everywhere. I had a decision to make. Was I going to shamelessly advertise our need for a baby? The answer was a big fat YES. I was tired of waiting and doing nothing. It seems to me that there are so many woman having totally unwanted pregnancies and not even thinking about adoption. For example, our next door neighbor is 17 years old and expecting. I can just about guarantee you that she hasn't given adoption one little thought. Now, I have no intention of being the adoptive equivalent of an ambulance chaser. I am not following pregnant women around harassing them to give me their baby! I am not trying to persuade anyone into anything. I'm simply putting our information out there to anyone who might find it helpful. I made cards. I carry a few with me and put them up anytime I see a board and some thumb tacks. I also stick one in every bill we send out. Maybe that sounds weird, but I think it is a good way to get the cards out of state and you know that the person on the other end is always someone different. I did make up fliers but I never have used them. I don't know why, but I haven't. I understand if some people may think that this is strange or even wrong. People have a right to their opinion. But, I would venture to say that those people have no idea what it is like to wait for someone else to make you a mother. I was asked this week, "Have you advertised yourself". Absolutely! I've done everything I know to do for my part. Oh, and just so you know I only put our first names on our cards and all of the contact info is for our agency - none of our personal information. I am fully aware of the possible adoption scams out there. I trust that our agency is capable of weeding those things out.

Adoption How-To

2010-08-11T20:22:00.005-05:00

Recently I realized that I guess I haven't said enough about how adoption actually works. Well, if you are lucky enough to be the woman shown above, then all you have to do is throw your name around and people start dropping their babies at your feet. But, for the rest of us it is not that simple. In fact, for most of us it is very complicated. Now, I'm really not trying to talk anyone out of adopting. I just want others to understand what it's like.
We started our process about two and half years ago. We had a few choices for agencies. We made our choice based on process of elimination. Most agencies want an application fee. We weren't going to pay anyone anything until we were able to meet with a social worker first, so that narrowed it down a lot. Our first meeting with the worker from the one we are with - one of the first things she told us was that their average wait for domestic infant adoption was 1 year. Then she said that we were "a young couple" compared to most of the families that they work with and she was sure we wouldn't have to even wait that long. Meaning our youth was to our advantage. Now I wonder - if she had said that we would be waiting 2+ years - would I have been so sure I still wanted to adopt. I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. The "average wait" depends on the agency and basically on life. I suspect every agency has their dry spells. Meaning that they don't have many birthmom's contacting them which means they aren't having many placements. We met with her in Feb. 08 and she said that they had already had two placements that year and a dozen the year before. So, that seemed to us like pretty good odds. At the time, "the list" (the number of couples waiting for a placement) was in the single digits (I forget the exact number). Again, that sounded really good to us. She said that they made a point to keep the number low so that none of their families had to wait very long. When we first started officially waiting in Aug. 08 we were #10 I believe. Now we are one of 23 couples waiting. Am I saying that we were mislead? Well, I guess I do sort of feel that way yes. But, I also understand that nothing she said was iron clad. They were just statistics and suggestions etc. Now- I understand that. I was asked the other day, "Isn't two years the average wait for domestic infant adoption?". I can tell you that was not my deduction when we first started all of this. And I'm not sure that is the case at all. Everyday I read about other bloggers who only had to wait a few weeks or a few months or at the most a year, but I (and several of the other women that are waiting on the same list as I am) am the only one that I know of that has had to wait over two years for a placement.
I will write more about the process tomorrow.

Disclamer: I am not saying that our agency is at fault for anything in anyway!

2 Years

2010-08-08T23:06:00.000-05:00

We've been waiting for our baby for two years today. Alot can change in two years. The biggest thing that has changed for me is the belief that the Lord has adoption in our future. I just don't know anymore. Many times lately I've wondered, "but what if God never meant for us to adopt to begin with?". If adoption is not in God's plan for our future, then we've wasted so much effort and money. "How long do we wait until we give up?" How does one give up on something like this? I mean, that's a lot of money. Then there is the question of how to tell people that we gave up. People are always asking us if there is anything new or if we've "heard" anything. What is going to be the reaction when we suddenly say, "Actually, we aren't doing that anymore."? I mean, is quiting even an option here? Do we just wait indefinitely? Three years, six years, ten years from now can we still really say, "We're adopting"? I don't know what God wants for us.

A new birthmom

2010-07-20T15:57:00.005-05:00

Our social worker is working with a new birthmom. Things have been slow in the adoption biz lately, that any news is good news. She is 3 mos. along and she isn't sure what the race of her baby will be (birthmom is Caucasian). That's all I know about the situation. Because she is so early in her pregnancy there is no telling what she will do. I also got some new information on our agency. They currently have 23 people on their waiting list and 7 of them are open to any race (us included). I just can't believe that they would allow their list to get so long. When we met with them the first time, they assured us that they liked to keep their list short so that none of their families would have to wait too long. Almost two years later, I guess things have changed. :(

21 and counting

2010-05-08T12:42:00.000-05:00

We've been waiting 21 months today. As we get closer to the two year mark - I realize that ........................

I really don't care.

Stupid things from stupid people

2010-04-21T13:15:00.000-05:00

I'm taking this from Tammi's blog AdoptionBug . Some of them apply for domestic adoption too.

SA = Smart Answer

EA = Educational Answer

Q- How much did she cost?

SA- All my heart.

EA- Buying children is both illegal and unethical. If you're interested in knowing more about gov't fees and donations for someone you know that's adopting, I'd be happy pass on my agency's website to you.

Q-What is she?

SA- She looks human to me.

EA- Do you mean what is her ethnicity? She is Chinese.

Q-Won't you have to teach her to speak English?

SA- What baby do you know that didn't have to learn to speak English?

EA- Babies learn to speak the language that is spoken around them.

Q-Why China when there are children in the USA that need homes?

SA- Is that where you're adopting from? Oh, you're not adopting? I just thought you might be since you're so interested in making sure the children in the good ole USA are taken care of.

EA- China was the right choice for us at this time for many reasons.

Q-Are you going to tell her she's adopted?

SA- Seriously? Have you even looked at us?

EA- It will be pretty obvious. Besides, I want to share her adoption story with her.

Q- Are you her real Mom/Dad?

ONLY ONE ANSWER- YES!!!

I'm going to add a few of my own relating to domestic adoption:

Q- Why didn't you adopt internationally?
SA- What do you care?
EA- Because domestic adoption was the right thing for us.

Q- Why don't you adopt through the state instead of an agency?
SA- I just don't feel like fighting the birthmom for the right to keep my child is all.
EA- An agency works with the birthmom and adoptive couple to do whats best for the child.

Q- Why don't you adopt an older child rather than a baby?
SA- Are you going to pay for the therapy for me?
EA- Older children have often been abused in one way or another and have many mental and emotional problems that I don't feel I am equiped to deal with.

Q- Why not have your own child?
SA- I just love doing everything the hard way.
EA- I'm infertile and God has called us to adopt.

New Banner

2010-04-20T13:59:00.000-05:00

A new banner for our adoption fundraiser. I think I like the big ones for my blogs though.

My Heart is Bursting!

2010-04-14T19:40:00.000-05:00

We've had another sale today! My heart is bursting with thanksgiving! People's generosity continues to amaze me and encourage me!

Thank you Jen!

A Sale

2010-04-13T22:43:00.000-05:00

Someone bought a shirt from our website today. I don't think that I know the person, but I'm still very greatful! Thank you Rebecca Poe!

A Wonderful Donation

2010-03-22T14:01:00.000-05:00

Last week we recieved a wonderful donation to our adoption. It was very unexpected and generous. Its amazing when God calls a person to give from their heart!

2010-03-22T12:00:00.001-05:00

That birthmom picked another couple. So, that was that.

I feel like I've won the lottery...

2010-03-10T21:29:00.001-06:00

Our agency met with a birthmom Monday. From many profiles to choose from, she picked 5 to take home and look over more carefully. Ours was one them! They are meeting with her again Friday. The next step will be her meeting with one or two of the families. We are hoping to be one of those too. She is due next month and baby is healthy. Heres Hoping!

19 Months Waiting

2010-03-08T14:02:00.000-06:00

We've been waiting 19 months today for our adoption placement. The picture says it all for me!

This is me on adoption....

2010-03-04T12:15:00.002-06:00

Adoption is not for the faint of heart.

Buy a t-shirt & support our adoption

2010-02-08T21:42:00.005-06:00

Buy a t-shirt and help me become a mommy! My husband and I are selling t-shirts to raise money for our adoption. Up to 45% of the cost goes into an account for our adoption fees. Only the shirts on our website count towards us.

Another visit

2010-01-11T13:44:00.001-06:00

We have another monitoring visit with our social worker on Jan. 29th.

Update

2009-11-04T13:43:00.001-06:00

That last surprise fell through. The birthmom didn't show up for the meeting.
We are now open to African American. So, we will officially take any healthy baby that comes our way.

Call

2009-10-20T20:35:00.003-05:00

We got a call today from our social worker. There is a birthmom in Chicago. She is on her way there right now, to meet with her tomorrow. The baby may be african american, and we had to say that we were open to it. Its a girl. We should know something by tomorrow afternoon.

I am a Chocolatier!

2009-10-14T20:32:00.003-05:00

I joined this business last week and I finally got my kit yesterday. I have mountains of chocolate and I can't eat it. Anyway.... I have become an indepedent chocolatier, aka a consultant. The company is Dove Chocolate Discoveries. It is my newest attempt to raise money for our adoption. Chocolate and parties- now who doesn't love that. I even have me own business website: www.dove-chocolate-discoveries.com/bhuffman. Check it out and see the products (everything from brownie mix, sugar-free chocolate, and even chocolate martini mix) and if you live in my area host a chocolate tasting party with me.

update

2009-10-12T13:53:00.003-05:00

We had a possible situation a couple weeks ago. Without going into to detail, lets just say that it didn't work out. How many possibilities will we go through before we have a winner?
I recently signed up to be an independant chocolaiter for Dove Chocolate Discoveries. I'm still waiting for my kit to arrive in the mail. I'm hoping to supplement our adoption funds. Also, we recently learned of a way to fundraise by selling shirts for adoptionbug.com. And, finally, we are considering applying for a grant and a no-interest adoption loan.
One more thing, I got a letter from our agency today saying that they were burglurized and some computers containing important personal imformation was taken. So, we may have our identity stolen. Nice, huh.

Embie Mom

2009-09-19T10:51:00.001-05:00

check out this embie mom to be. Jess.

Waiting

2009-09-17T11:15:00.003-05:00

This waiting business is much harder than I ever thought it would be. Basically it is slowly driving me crazy. Recently I described it to a friend like this: "its like taking off a band aid real slow". Its torturous. Its driven me into therapy. Seriously. I've had two sessions and going for my third tomorrow. I've even considered that I might want to give up. Yes, I very much want to be a mother. But, I'm not sure how much more I can take of this. Every time I hear of another couple being chosen its like a rejection of me. I do want to be happy for them. But, I can't get past my own feelings of sadness that it wasn't us chosen. I've been resorting to some childish stuff. "Its not fair", "Does God care", etc. In my mind I know better. Of course God cares. Life isn't fair. I should have faith and hope in God's perfect plan. Everyone is so good at reminding me too. The other part of me, the selfish sinner part, goes "THIS SUCKS!". Another unhealthy thing that has reared its ugly head is my insane need to make life stop. Its like, I just want to sit right here in this very uncomfortable, unhappy spot until my baby comes. Life must not go on. In fact, life can not begin until I hold him/her in my arms. I put myself (and my husband) in limbo. If you dare suggest that I move forward with anything, I will become irate. "Stop it! Leave me alone whilst I sit here and wait for life to happen!". I create a bubble of misery wherever I go. Why do I do this? I don't know, I guess its just how I deal with things. I'll let you know if my therapist is able to cure me of myself.

New picture and visit

2009-08-14T12:55:00.003-05:00

We got new pictures taken. My good friend Heidi took them for us. The one above is the picture the agency chose to put in the book. So, this is now the picture that birthmom's will see. We also had a monitoring visit last month, where Nina came to our house. It was kind of like the home study except there were less questions and paperwork. We got some good news too. We are now 4th on the list. We've been waiting on the list for a year. Please pray that we won't be waiting much longer.

New Blog

2009-07-01T12:20:00.002-05:00

Click on the logo to check it out.

I created a blog to advertise my fundraising baking. All earnings go to our "Adopt A Baby" fund.
UPDATE: I was unsuccessful with this so the blog no longer exsists.

Home Visit

2009-06-29T20:07:00.003-05:00

picture taken from allposters.com

We have a home visit scheduled for July 24th. We are going to meet Nina for the first time.
We are also getting new adoption pictures taken on July 5th. July is going to be so busy!

New Adoption Specialist

2009-06-01T10:25:00.003-05:00

We got a letter Saturday about our new adoption specialist. Her name is Nina. She called me this morning and she sounded nice. We are due for a home visit and she said that they have a birthmom that is getting ready to have her baby. I'm looking forward to meeting her and working with her.

Not so good news

2009-04-26T18:53:00.001-05:00

I got some not so good news today. Our adoption specialist Reta isn't going to be working with us anymore. She is going to be working in the big office in Beleville. I am very unhappy about this for two reasons. One, we really like Reta. Meeting her was one of the big reasons why we decided to go with CSS. Two, I'm nervous about who they will get to replace her. Who they will get to continue to handle our case. This really stinks!

Mrs. U's anti. coke anniversary giveaway

2009-03-26T18:27:00.002-05:00

picture taken from her blog

Mrs. U is celebrating her one year anniversary of being diet coke free. She is having a giveaway to celebrate. Get on over there and leave her a comment to enter to win.

3/20

2009-03-20T16:33:00.001-05:00

We got an update today. We are #6 on the list and theres a new potential birthmom. She's 18 and she's due June 10th. She hasn't picked a couple yet.

All In God's Time

2009-01-25T14:17:00.004-06:00

1 Samuel 1:20

So it came to pass in the process of time that Hannah conceived and bore a son, and called his name Samuel, saying, "Because I have asked for him from the LORD. '

All through out the Bible it speaks of time. Such and such happened in "time". I think it was important to add that all the time to remind us that everything happens in God's time. Not central, eastern, or mountain time; but God's time.

Another blogger adopting

2008-12-31T09:36:00.002-06:00

Mrs. U is a friend from a past blog. She adopted her daughter from China, and is currently waiting from some divine guidance in regards to her next adoption. Recently China has "tightened its belt" in their adoption laws and has become increasingly a "closed country". Lets be praying for Mrs. U and her family as they look for the Lord's direction in extending their family.

2009

2008-12-27T15:20:00.003-06:00

This is going to be my year. It has to be. I won't make through another Christmas without my baby. A new year leaves you full of hope. Like anything can happen.
The last thing I heard from Reta was that there was no new news. Not very encourageing, but I can't get sucked in. I do that. I get sucked into the vortex of losing hope and I spin into a full on fit. I have to remain focused on the important things. Like my relationship with God and my husband. I have to stay close to my husband. He and I only have each other. Kids or not (kids grow up and leave). Theres nothing I can do to hurry things up.

nothing new

2008-12-06T12:38:00.002-06:00

Nothing new really on our case. There are two birthmom's having twins, but they are both African American so they won't be looking at us. Theres a 16 year old birthmom who is early in her pregnancy. She has chosen 2 couples to meet with. And theres another young lady who isn't sure that she's even pregnant. Once she finds out for sure that she is then Reta will start working with her. I'm so glad that she is so open to adoption even when she isn't positive that shes pregnant.
I'm hopeing for the best Christmas gift ever.

2008-11-12T17:29:00.003-06:00

We are now #7. We thought that we were being looked at by a birthmom last week and then we learned that she didn't show up for her appointment to look through "the book". They haven't had contact with her. We are going to start networking and we've decided to be open to a bi-racial baby.

2008-10-31T20:29:00.002-05:00

I talked to Reta this week and we moved up to #8. Just shows how fast things move along with the agency. Today we got our foster license in the mail.

2008-10-25T16:04:00.001-05:00

My mom works with a woman who's mother-in-law works for the state of Alaska, like in family services. She knows a woman who works with a native Alaskan tribe. A birthmom belonging to the tribe, 17 years old and due in three weeks, wants to give her baby to adoption. Hearing all this, my mom suggested us. Alaskan family services likes to place children in the lower 48, so they were interested in us. I think my mom mentioned it to me a week or so ago. She called me Thursday to tell me that they were interested in us. I went right to work learning about Alaskan adoption law and Alaskan tribes and Alaskan everything. I had never given Alaska much thought before. Besides the fact that Palin was from there. Anyway, we started praying and thinking it all over. Adoption law is very different in Alaska. I've mentioned in past posts about the birthmom signing "surrender" which means her parental rights. In Alaska it is termed "consent". Birthmoms can sign consent anytime after delivery but they have 10 days to change their minds. Also, there was very little paternity rights. And finally the tribes play a very big role when it concerns one of their members. Adoptive parents must have their approval as well. In addition, many of their programs are lacking federal funding and some of their "employees" aren't properly trained and certified. So, considering the legal risks, the emotional risks, and the financial risks we decided not to go through with it. It isn't easy to turn down such a possiblity, even with all of that. We think its best however.
We are still waiting.
Thanks for your prayers!

2008-09-27T15:41:00.004-05:00

I got an email this morning from a couple that was in our training class and they got their call last Sunday. Tuesday they brought home their little girl. I'm happy for them. Knowing their situation I'm happy for them. I'm praying that we won't have to wait much longer either.

Thank God

2008-09-24T13:20:00.004-05:00

Lets just say, "Thank God we are adopting".

According to this website this is what our babies would look like if we were to produce some the boring way. Check it out for yourself if you dare...

Raising Godly Tomatoes

2008-09-24T13:15:00.002-05:00

click on the pic to visit the authors website

I'm going to need all the help I can get, so I'm checking out the website and hoping to get the book for my birthday.

No news

2008-09-18T17:32:00.003-05:00

There hasn't been any news to tell for a while. I've been kind of frustrated with our social worker because she seems to be m.i.a. But, really, her involvement in our wait isn't really important. I'm not waiting on her to provide me with a baby, I'm waiting on the Lord.

Crib

2008-08-31T14:01:00.003-05:00

Rick and I have my grandparent's Jenny Lind bed. I was excited when I found out that Babiesrus had Jenny Lind cribs. My mom and I are going to Fairview Heights to pick it up Monday Sept. 1st. I wanted the dark color, but it isn't carried in any of the stores around here. I would have to order it and Rick doesn't like giving his card # out.

I'm a little nervous about buying it though. I just don't know how far to go. But, this time is the surest thing we've every experianced.

Have a good labor day.

update 8-26

2008-08-26T14:07:00.002-05:00

Reta emailed me today and gave me an update. We are now couple #9. She is working with two new birthmoms. One is due September 1st and the other in Feb.
In other news:

Rick had a stomach bug this past weekend. But, he is feeling much better now.
I'm keeping my niece, Kamryn, twice a week now on Wednesdays and Thursdays in the afternoons. She is working on standing by herself. She'll be 10 months.
We are going to a rodeo this next weekend.
We might buy our crib this weekend also.
I'm going to start crocheting an afghan.

---- "Faith leads to Victory!"

One week later

2008-08-16T14:11:00.003-05:00

Its been a week since we were officialized (probably not a word but you know what I mean) and so far we are doing pretty good with the wait. I had been chained to the phone. But I've eased up some. I bought some receiving blankets. Yellow, white, and green- all neutral colors. They've been washed and folded, just neatly sitting there waiting to receive.

Finished

2008-08-09T06:33:00.002-05:00

We are finally finished. Reta called yesterday to tell me that we are officially ready to wait. We are family #10. Meaning if there is a birthmom who doesn't want to choose, they go with the couple whos been waiting the longest in line. But for those who do want to choose, they will see our letter and picture along with the other 10 clients. Talking to Reta yesterday, I was very calm. I thought I would be super excited, which I am, but I just felt contented. These past few years have been such a battle to get to this place. When I first found out about my infertility I was so angry and bitter. I thank God that Rick is strong.. a lesser man would have left me. Once I realized that God has a plan for me, I knew I just had to be patient and see what happens. Now I am closer to being a mommy than I ever thought I would be. I've learned so much about God and who He wants me to be throughout this whole experience and I wouldn't change any of it. I thank the Lord for his trials and his gifts.

Small glimmer of Hope

2008-08-05T17:43:00.003-05:00

I talked to Reta, our adoption specialist, today and she said that she should have us approved by Friday or next Monday. Then we would be officially a "waiting couple". Which means we are available for birthmom to choose us. That also means we could be on moments notice. Some women contact the agency several months ahead of time, but more women lately are calling from the hospital either in labor or already delivered. I'm not sure which I'd rather have happen. The Lord knows which is best for us. We're almost there.

Hey, if your in Flora on a Saturday morning (8:00-12:00) stop by the library park and check out the baked goods I'm selling at the farmer's market. All proceeds go into our "adopt a baby fund". We could use all the help we can get.

Ok, this is my last commercial- I'm working on a gift registry at Walmart and Babys r us. Do what you will with that information.

letter

2008-07-31T17:37:00.004-05:00

I ended up snail mailing the letter and it took me forever to find some pretty paper to put it on. Now we are just waiting to find out if the letter is approved this time.

Adoption updates

2008-07-25T15:44:00.000-05:00

I've been blogging for awhile, and I decided to start this blog to keep some of my family more updated on our adoption journey and also so I can journal my thoughts and feeling about the process. I've been blogging about it on myspace since we started, but not everybody is able to be over there (like at work).
We completed our homestudy yesterday. We were told that it would be our final step before being eligible for the list. But, when she got there she had my "dear birthmom" letter in hand and basically told me I would have to do it over again. So with my mom's help I revised it today and emailed it. There just seems to always be one more thing. Supposedly, once the letter is approved and the director picks out one of our pictures ( I sent all of them with the social worker, Reta, yesterday) then we are ready.
I'll try to update when I can, but I get online at my mom's house.