Saturday, March 10, 2012
The finish line is in sight. Next month we will have our final post placement visit. After that, we can get our court date set up for finalization. This experiance has been a marathon for sure. Just two more months and Olive is ours legally, and we are done. No more agency, no more waiting, no more worrying. It sounds so sweet!
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Let me start this post by saying that I can't predict if an adoption match is going to end in a failed attempt. Nor am I saying that a "failed" adoption (I really prefer adoption loss) is always some one's fault. It's not. Sometimes the birthmom changes her mind and she has every right to do that. It's very sad for the adoptive couple but we're talking about a baby here. Cute and lovable. Who wouldn't want to keep that. Now that I'm a mom I understand a little better how hard it must have been for Olive's birthmom to say goodbye. It must be the worst pain.
I did want to post about possible signs that an adoption match might be a scam. I've gathered these through my own personal experience and the experience of other APs (adoptive parents) whom I know of.
- Asking for money: I think the biggest red flag is if the birthmom/parents ask for money. In many situations were you are working with an agency or lawyers they have rules about the exchange of money between birthparents and APs. For one thing, It's against the law to buy a baby. Sometimes an agreement is worked out where the APs pay for medical expenses or some living expenses. I don't happen to agree with that at all, but I know it happens. What I'm talking about is when you get hit up for money right off the bat. For example; you are contacted by a birthmom and she says she is interested in placing with you but only if you send her some money for this or that. It sounds fishy reading it here, but when you are so wanting to be parents you are blinded by that desire. In our failed adoption K was working our agency. She got help with living expenses, transportation, child care (both expenses and daycare), and medical expenses. We had no idea that all this was going on during our match. We know that our agency helps birthmoms, but was unaware of how much she was using them.
- Little white lies: things that you realize don't add up about birthmom's story or just anything. Someone who is a pathological lier uses them freely like breathing. In our match, K told us many lies. As I've said before I have no doubt that the whole thing was fake from the beginning. One lie that I caught her in was way in the beginning. She had told us that she was a certain age, however when I looked her up on facebook her profile had a birthday that said she was older. Of course it bothered me at first, but then I thought, "It isn't important to our situation so why should I care". If what you are being told doesn't make sense - question it until you get answerer's. K went back and forth with us about her due date and how far along she was. It seemed to change daily. Then she was having contractions or a c-section and then she wasn't. We were up and down all the time. Which brings me to my third point.
- Drama Queen: If the birthmom seems to love attention and makes big scenes then she might be in it simply for the spotlight. It was really hard for me to admit that someone could be this insensitive, but that is what K did with us.
- Not Struggling: If a birthmom is really trying to decide what is best for her baby by placing with you, then she should be really struggling emotionally. If she isn't then there is something wrong. It's one thing to like you as her couple or family, but letting someone else raise her child should be extremely difficult to deal with. K never once seemed conflicted. The whole time she was as cool as a cucumber. At the time that seemed like a good thing. That she was confident in us. Really she just didn't have anything to worry about. It's that simple.
- Intuition: Listen to your intuition. God put it there on purpose. If something seems off and you don't even have a name for it - proceed with caution.
I'm not posting this to scare anyone or upset anyone. I just thought that I had wished someone had warned me.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Olive is a month old today. Time has just flown by. Having a baby in the house has been a sizable adjustment. I have to say that I think it is even harder on couples who have 1. experienced infertility and been a family of two for any considerable amount of time & 2. have very little to no notice of baby's arrival. Our world changed in 3 days. Everything is different including the way we (hubby and I) relate to each other. Honestly, it has been really hard and even at sometimes terrible - but we are getting settled. I may write in more detail about my experience with this later. For right now I just want to keep things positive around here.
Olive is growing quickly. She is already 10 lbs! Overall she is a really good baby. She usually only cries when she really needs something. She has thrush, a herniated belly button, and neonatal teeth but other than that she is healthy. We are so blessed. My motto has been "My goal everyday is to keep her alive". I say it with a light hearted laugh, but most of the time a part of me half way means it. I am not at all confident in my mothering skills. It amazes me how life becomes very basic and primal with a newborn. Every little thing is an event, so all extra tasks; the ones that are not absolutely necessary go out the window. When she poops and burps there is a celebration. I've been staying with my mother during the week since hubby travels for his job. She and I have bonded on a whole new level. I'm so glad to get to experience this with her and I'm forever thankful for her help! I have no idea how some women do this totally on their own.
We had our first post placement visit on Oct. 17th. It went fine. We have been in contact with our lawyer to get things rolling. MamaT still hasn't had any contact with the agency. I think about her all the time. I wish I could be sharing these things with her.
Happy 1 month Birthday Olive!