The Home Stretch

The finish line is in sight.  Next month we will have our final post placement visit.  After that, we can get our court date set up for finalization.  This experiance has been a marathon for sure.  Just two more months and Olive is ours legally, and we are done.  No more agency, no more waiting, no more worrying.  It sounds so sweet!

Disappointment

Don't get me wrong, I can deal with disappointment. It goes with the territory. But, it's never easy. Today N texted me and told me that Kmom had gone to the hospital again yesterday because she was having trouble. While she was there they gave her an ultrasound. So, she isn't having one tomorrow. I was so looking forward to seeing El in action. I've never looked at an ultrasound screen and seen a baby on there, only cysts or my weird uterus. It meant a lot to me. [sigh] Oh well. The rest of the news isn't real encouraging. The baby has turned from her breech position, but she is now sideways. Also, Kmom has made it definite that she is waiting for El to come on her own rather than provoking her arrival this weekend. Which brings me back to simply waiting and seeing. Seeing and waiting. It puts me in the mind of Eeyore - "Oh Bother!".

Discontentment

I think it is no secret that I've been suffering from discontentment for a pretty long time. This last week I've been reading up on all sorts of "family building" options. "Family building" - that's what they call it when people with broken reproducers try to find a way to have kids. I guess I decided that I was sick of waiting on domestic infant adoption and I was going to move on to something else. I researched international adoption, 3rd party gestation, and frozen embryo adoption. Each night I was up late reading the computer screen until my eyes were blurry and my mouse hand hurt. I discussed FEA with my husband and being the wonderful guy he is he said, "Lets go see a doctor I guess". But, I had been waiting from some word from the Lord letting me know what He thought we should do. I knew deep down that I hadn't gotten his permission yet to deviate from DIA. My own restlessness doesn't mean that He wants us to move on. It just means I'm impatient and controlling. Last night I decided that it was time to shut the computer down and do some reading before my brain completely roted away. While I was reading the latest Christian Amish book, some words from my husband came into mind. A few days ago he was talking about a coworker and he mentioned that he and his wife had never had any children. I asked him why they hadn't tried anything and his answer was, "I guess they are happy with their life just the two of them.". At the time I didn't give his statement much thought, but as it entered my memory out of nowhere last night I realized that God was speaking. Three years ago I was perfectly happy being a "family of two". I could see our life as being full of exciting adventures between my husband and I. I was so thankful for my marriage and the man God had put me with. I was content. I went into adoption with the attitude that if God gave us a baby that I would be so blessed but if He didn't then I could continue my happiness in our partnership. Unfortunately, something changed along the way. I became obsessed with being impatient. I wouldn't even say I was obsessed with the adoption itself or with hoping for a baby. I have been insanely impatient for the sake of being unhappy. I have been bathing in self pity. In conclusion, God said, "You better cut it out and be happy with the opportunity that I have given you!" (exact words mine of course). In other words, I have to be content with the place that God has brought me to (waiting) and live for the love story that He is writing within my life. So, there will be no changing strategies for me. I am glad to have more knowledge about international adoption and embryo adoption (they are both wonderful things), but we won't be doing them this time around, if ever. I have more faith now than I ever have that God will make us parents via domestic adoption. But, if we remain childless into old age then that has to be ok too. God has given me such an awesome thing that I don't deserve - my marriage. I've been going on and on about wishing that I could know what God has in store for my future. But, he probably isn't going to tell me and I have to accept that it doesn't matter because He has all of the control.

Embryo Adoption

I've been reading a lot about Embryo Adoption in the last couple of days and it is all very interesting. Compared to Domestic & International Adoption there isn't a lot of information about the subject. It is still a fairly new concept. I remember the first time I learned about it. I thought snowflake babies sounded really special. I've always known though that I would not be a good candidate for it. It's more for couples who just have problems getting pregnant, not really for a woman who can't stay pregnant. But, I've read in a few places that Seragent Embryo Adoption has been done. It seems to be extremely uncommon - but still it has me wondering. Why couldn't I adopt some snowflakes and have them melt into babies inside someone else?

You may be asking, "Are you switching directions mid-stream here?!" Not exactly. But, I am sort of looking at the other possible options. I so want to be a mommy, and make my hubby a daddy. After two years of waiting on DIA - it seems that maybe we should at least look.

Adoption How-To # 2

A hot button issue in adoption is networking. Networking is what they call it when you advertise yourself. Basically you tell anyone and everyone (by whatever means necessary) that you are adopting and you are eager for a placement. Our agency does some networking. We've had our social worker do it for us twice since we've been waiting. She sends our "dear birthmom" letter and picture to various doctor's offices and hospitals. That way the doctors have it available if they have a patient who is interested in adoption. When our agency first told me about this I really didn't think it would do much good. I thought it would be a waste of time. But, my husband said that we might as well go ahead and give it a try. We wanted to do everything that was available to us. Also, a part of networking is just talking to people. Telling everyone you know, and sometimes people you don't know, that you are adopting. Those things seem pretty much normal. Its those other ways that get people all bent out of shape. We were over a year into our waiting time and I was getting very restless. It was driving me crazy that I felt like I couldn't do anything to further our progress. I started researching other ways to do some networking on my own. I discovered that some people make up business cards with their picture and information and hand them out. Also, some people make fliers and post them on bulletin boards everywhere. I had a decision to make. Was I going to shamelessly advertise our need for a baby? The answer was a big fat YES. I was tired of waiting and doing nothing. It seems to me that there are so many woman having totally unwanted pregnancies and not even thinking about adoption. For example, our next door neighbor is 17 years old and expecting. I can just about guarantee you that she hasn't given adoption one little thought. Now, I have no intention of being the adoptive equivalent of an ambulance chaser. I am not following pregnant women around harassing them to give me their baby! I am not trying to persuade anyone into anything. I'm simply putting our information out there to anyone who might find it helpful. I made cards. I carry a few with me and put them up anytime I see a board and some thumb tacks. I also stick one in every bill we send out. Maybe that sounds weird, but I think it is a good way to get the cards out of state and you know that the person on the other end is always someone different. I did make up fliers but I never have used them. I don't know why, but I haven't. I understand if some people may think that this is strange or even wrong. People have a right to their opinion. But, I would venture to say that those people have no idea what it is like to wait for someone else to make you a mother. I was asked this week, "Have you advertised yourself". Absolutely! I've done everything I know to do for my part. Oh, and just so you know I only put our first names on our cards and all of the contact info is for our agency - none of our personal information. I am fully aware of the possible adoption scams out there. I trust that our agency is capable of weeding those things out.

Adoption How-To

Recently I realized that I guess I haven't said enough about how adoption actually works. Well, if you are lucky enough to be the woman shown above, then all you have to do is throw your name around and people start dropping their babies at your feet. But, for the rest of us it is not that simple. In fact, for most of us it is very complicated. Now, I'm really not trying to talk anyone out of adopting. I just want others to understand what it's like.
We started our process about two and half years ago. We had a few choices for agencies. We made our choice based on process of elimination. Most agencies want an application fee. We weren't going to pay anyone anything until we were able to meet with a social worker first, so that narrowed it down a lot. Our first meeting with the worker from the one we are with - one of the first things she told us was that their average wait for domestic infant adoption was 1 year. Then she said that we were "a young couple" compared to most of the families that they work with and she was sure we wouldn't have to even wait that long. Meaning our youth was to our advantage. Now I wonder - if she had said that we would be waiting 2+ years - would I have been so sure I still wanted to adopt. I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. The "average wait" depends on the agency and basically on life. I suspect every agency has their dry spells. Meaning that they don't have many birthmom's contacting them which means they aren't having many placements. We met with her in Feb. 08 and she said that they had already had two placements that year and a dozen the year before. So, that seemed to us like pretty good odds. At the time, "the list" (the number of couples waiting for a placement) was in the single digits (I forget the exact number). Again, that sounded really good to us. She said that they made a point to keep the number low so that none of their families had to wait very long. When we first started officially waiting in Aug. 08 we were #10 I believe. Now we are one of 23 couples waiting. Am I saying that we were mislead? Well, I guess I do sort of feel that way yes. But, I also understand that nothing she said was iron clad. They were just statistics and suggestions etc. Now- I understand that. I was asked the other day, "Isn't two years the average wait for domestic infant adoption?". I can tell you that was not my deduction when we first started all of this. And I'm not sure that is the case at all. Everyday I read about other bloggers who only had to wait a few weeks or a few months or at the most a year, but I (and several of the other women that are waiting on the same list as I am) am the only one that I know of that has had to wait over two years for a placement.
I will write more about the process tomorrow.

Disclamer: I am not saying that our agency is at fault for anything in anyway!

2 Years

We've been waiting for our baby for two years today. Alot can change in two years. The biggest thing that has changed for me is the belief that the Lord has adoption in our future. I just don't know anymore. Many times lately I've wondered, "but what if God never meant for us to adopt to begin with?". If adoption is not in God's plan for our future, then we've wasted so much effort and money. "How long do we wait until we give up?" How does one give up on something like this? I mean, that's a lot of money. Then there is the question of how to tell people that we gave up. People are always asking us if there is anything new or if we've "heard" anything. What is going to be the reaction when we suddenly say, "Actually, we aren't doing that anymore."? I mean, is quiting even an option here? Do we just wait indefinitely? Three years, six years, ten years from now can we still really say, "We're adopting"? I don't know what God wants for us.

A new birthmom

Our social worker is working with a new birthmom. Things have been slow in the adoption biz lately, that any news is good news. She is 3 mos. along and she isn't sure what the race of her baby will be (birthmom is Caucasian). That's all I know about the situation. Because she is so early in her pregnancy there is no telling what she will do. I also got some new information on our agency. They currently have 23 people on their waiting list and 7 of them are open to any race (us included). I just can't believe that they would allow their list to get so long. When we met with them the first time, they assured us that they liked to keep their list short so that none of their families would have to wait too long. Almost two years later, I guess things have changed. :(

21 and counting

We've been waiting 21 months today.  As we get closer to the two year mark - I realize that ........................

I really don't care.

19 Months Waiting

We've been waiting 19 months today for our adoption placement.  The picture says it all for me!

Waiting

This waiting business is much harder than I ever thought it would be. Basically it is slowly driving me crazy. Recently I described it to a friend like this: "its like taking off a band aid real slow". Its torturous. Its driven me into therapy. Seriously. I've had two sessions and going for my third tomorrow. I've even considered that I might want to give up. Yes, I very much want to be a mother. But, I'm not sure how much more I can take of this. Every time I hear of another couple being chosen its like a rejection of me. I do want to be happy for them. But, I can't get past my own feelings of sadness that it wasn't us chosen. I've been resorting to some childish stuff. "Its not fair", "Does God care", etc. In my mind I know better. Of course God cares. Life isn't fair. I should have faith and hope in God's perfect plan. Everyone is so good at reminding me too. The other part of me, the selfish sinner part, goes "THIS SUCKS!". Another unhealthy thing that has reared its ugly head is my insane need to make life stop. Its like, I just want to sit right here in this very uncomfortable, unhappy spot until my baby comes. Life must not go on. In fact, life can not begin until I hold him/her in my arms. I put myself (and my husband) in limbo. If you dare suggest that I move forward with anything, I will become irate. "Stop it! Leave me alone whilst I sit here and wait for life to happen!". I create a bubble of misery wherever I go. Why do I do this? I don't know, I guess its just how I deal with things. I'll let you know if my therapist is able to cure me of myself.

New picture and visit

We got new pictures taken. My good friend Heidi took them for us. The one above is the picture the agency chose to put in the book. So, this is now the picture that birthmom's will see. We also had a monitoring visit last month, where Nina came to our house. It was kind of like the home study except there were less questions and paperwork. We got some good news too. We are now 4th on the list. We've been waiting on the list for a year. Please pray that we won't be waiting much longer.

All In God's Time

1 Samuel 1:20

So it came to pass in the process of time that Hannah conceived and bore a son, and called his name Samuel, saying, "Because I have asked for him from the LORD. '

All through out the Bible it speaks of time. Such and such happened in "time". I think it was important to add that all the time to remind us that everything happens in God's time. Not central, eastern, or mountain time; but God's time.

2009

This is going to be my year. It has to be. I won't make through another Christmas without my baby. A new year leaves you full of hope. Like anything can happen.
The last thing I heard from Reta was that there was no new news. Not very encourageing, but I can't get sucked in. I do that. I get sucked into the vortex of losing hope and I spin into a full on fit. I have to remain focused on the important things. Like my relationship with God and my husband. I have to stay close to my husband. He and I only have each other. Kids or not (kids grow up and leave). Theres nothing I can do to hurry things up.

My mom works with a woman who's mother-in-law works for the state of Alaska, like in family services. She knows a woman who works with a native Alaskan tribe. A birthmom belonging to the tribe, 17 years old and due in three weeks, wants to give her baby to adoption. Hearing all this, my mom suggested us. Alaskan family services likes to place children in the lower 48, so they were interested in us. I think my mom mentioned it to me a week or so ago. She called me Thursday to tell me that they were interested in us. I went right to work learning about Alaskan adoption law and Alaskan tribes and Alaskan everything. I had never given Alaska much thought before. Besides the fact that Palin was from there. Anyway, we started praying and thinking it all over. Adoption law is very different in Alaska. I've mentioned in past posts about the birthmom signing "surrender" which means her parental rights. In Alaska it is termed "consent". Birthmoms can sign consent anytime after delivery but they have 10 days to change their minds. Also, there was very little paternity rights. And finally the tribes play a very big role when it concerns one of their members. Adoptive parents must have their approval as well. In addition, many of their programs are lacking federal funding and some of their "employees" aren't properly trained and certified. So, considering the legal risks, the emotional risks, and the financial risks we decided not to go through with it. It isn't easy to turn down such a possiblity, even with all of that. We think its best however.
We are still waiting.
Thanks for your prayers!

I got an email this morning from a couple that was in our training class and they got their call last Sunday. Tuesday they brought home their little girl. I'm happy for them. Knowing their situation I'm happy for them. I'm praying that we won't have to wait much longer either.

No news

There hasn't been any news to tell for a while. I've been kind of frustrated with our social worker because she seems to be m.i.a. But, really, her involvement in our wait isn't really important. I'm not waiting on her to provide me with a baby, I'm waiting on the Lord.

One week later

Its been a week since we were officialized (probably not a word but you know what I mean) and so far we are doing pretty good with the wait. I had been chained to the phone. But I've eased up some. I bought some receiving blankets. Yellow, white, and green- all neutral colors. They've been washed and folded, just neatly sitting there waiting to receive.

Small glimmer of Hope

I talked to Reta, our adoption specialist, today and she said that she should have us approved by Friday or next Monday. Then we would be officially a "waiting couple". Which means we are available for birthmom to choose us. That also means we could be on moments notice. Some women contact the agency several months ahead of time, but more women lately are calling from the hospital either in labor or already delivered. I'm not sure which I'd rather have happen. The Lord knows which is best for us. We're almost there.

Hey, if your in Flora on a Saturday morning (8:00-12:00) stop by the library park and check out the baked goods I'm selling at the farmer's market. All proceeds go into our "adopt a baby fund". We could use all the help we can get.

Ok, this is my last commercial- I'm working on a gift registry at Walmart and Babys r us. Do what you will with that information.

letter

I ended up snail mailing the letter and it took me forever to find some pretty paper to put it on. Now we are just waiting to find out if the letter is approved this time.