On My Knees

This morning I was woke up by my phone, but it wasn't my alarm.  It was N's ringtone.  As sleepy as I was I could tell it was early, but the sun was up.  My first thought was, "All babies are born in the early morning".  I answered and N apologized for calling so early.  She is so polite, but really she could call me seriously any time at all.  The one person on the planet that I don't mind hearing from no matter what time it is.  She said that a baby girl had been born this morning.  She is premature, born at 34 weeks.  She weighs 4 lbs (and some ounces-I already forget what she said).  Birthmom is Caucasian.  Birthdad is unknown.  The more she talks the more excited I am.  Then she says that bmom admits to using heroin during the pregnancy and she had no prenatal care.  My heart immediately began to hurt.  I never blame the addicted.  We all have our vices.  It's the demon of addiction and this broken world that is at fault.  N wanted to know if we would be open to the situation.  If we would like to have our profile shown to the bmom.  In my heart, I heard "yes".  But, before I could answer she told me to talk to my hubby about it and let her know.  So, I hung up and woke him up.  He considered it carefully and asked what I thought.  I told him that I didn't know because I wanted his honest opinion rather than his desire to please me.  After several more minutes he said, "Yeah, lets do it".  I texted N back with a simple "yes".    We decided to go back to sleep to make sure we were good and rested.  We would stick close to home just in case we did get the call to go to the hospital.  At 12:30 I texted N for an update.  She said that they were still working with the bmom.  That was the last I heard.  It's 2:30 now.  I don't know how many couples were open to the situation.  My guess would be very few.  There have been a few other situations that involved hard drugs, and most of the other couples weren't up to it.  Including us.  Always before we said no.  My only explanation to our change of heart is our time with BabyZ.  Not that her situation involved drugs.  But, holding her and caring for her really changed us.  These "situations" are babies.  BabyZ didn't make us parents - but she did give us a whole new love for babies.  And an even stronger desire to care for one.

I'm praying that this baby girl does not test positive for heroin.  She should not have to suffer because of addiction.  I'm praying that she will be perfect and flourish.  I'm praying that her mother will get the help she needs.  That she will be able to do what is best for her child and herself.  I'm praying that it will all turn out for God's glory. 

This baby girl and her mother already have a place in my heart and I will continue to pray for them even if we aren't picked. 

Sweet Serenity

The picture pretty much describes how I am feeling right now. Very serene and calm. In fact I was calm all day. I slept peacefully last night. It was very unlike me considering the situation. I can only give God the credit. I knew that people were praying for us. I only shared our news with a few people. Of course the ladies at work new because that's where I was when I got the call. I was so excited. I also told three close friends, my sister-in-law, and my parents (oh, and anyone who reads my blog). I didn't want to tell everyone we knew because it's impossible to untell - like if she decided not to meet us after all. Anyway, I honestly only got a little nervous once. But, I'll get to that in a minute. First I just wanted to say that I'm not going to give every detail of our meeting. Some of it feels very raw and personal. But, I am excited to get some of it out. We both woke up about 8:00 a.m. this morning, even though we didn't really need to leave until 12:00. It takes about two hours to get to our agency. We snuggled in bed and talked about..... well, everything. We invited Mo into bed, which was a rare treat for him. About 9:30 I got up and gave myself a pedicure. Really, I did. I was planning to wear sandals and I knew it would make feel more confident. I picked, filed, exfoliated, buffed, and painted. I got showered and dressed (I ended up wearing jeans because it was a little chilly) around 11:00. My husband laid out some clothes, and I laid out some new ones. LOL Poor guy. I searched through my greeting card stash for the perfect thank you card. Our sw suggested that we bring a thank you card to give to Kmom. So, I found on that was homemade, like with all of that stampin stuff. Looked like I made it. I wrote something like, " thanks for meeting with us. we will be praying for you and your baby." and included a bible verse. At 12:00 we were off. We stopped half way at a Wendy's. By the way, there new sea salt fries are soggy. We arrived at the agency a few minutes before 2:00. The whole way there we just listened to the radio and chatted about our week. I was so surprised that neither of us was freaking out yet. We entered the building and checked in with the receptionist. "N" showed up after a couple minutes with our photo album. She said that we could show it to her to break the ice. So, with album in hand we followed her down the hall to a meeting room. As I sat down to begin talking all of my saliva was gone. But, I started in anyway and I was fine. We met for an hour. We asked a few questions, but the ball was mostly in Kmom's court. We really liked her. She is very friendly and funny. "N" walked us out and spoke to us briefly in the parking lot. She told us she would call us as soon as she knew what the verdict was.
At the moment that is all I'm willing to share. I had no idea that I would feel so reserved about it, but I do. It feels very precious.
"...and his mother kept and closely and persistently guarded all these things in her heart." Luke 2:51

THE Phone Call

You know, that magical phone call that all waiting adoptive couple's are waiting for. The one that has your social worker on the other end and she is saying, "You've been chosen!". We finally got one. Finally! After two years and 8 months, we finally really have a birthmom interested in meeting us. It happened Tuesday while I was at work. I was having a difficult day. The daycare children seemed to be particularly rowdy and my patients were long gone. I was all ready to enter my happy place and walk the rest of the day in auto pilot when I feel a vibration in my pocket. I take my phone out just in time to see that I have a missed call. I non-chalontly flip my phone open and choose to view who it was and I am awe struck to see that it is our social worker "N". My breath is caught in my chest as I realize that she has called me in the middle of the day when she knows I would be at work. She could have waited until later. It's an emergency!!! I look up at my boss who is looking at me with annoyance because I have my phone out during circle time. "It's our social worker", I say with as much wonderment as you can imagine and more. Her reaction is one of confusion- "Our adoption worker", I remind her. "Can I call her back!" It was really more of a declaration that I was going to call rather than a request for permission. She nods her head in acknowledgement while singing the silly preschool song coming from the boom box. I practically run to the kitchen where I can have a little quiet and privacy. I fumble with my phone buttons, trying to call up my "missed calls" category. Then my phone tells me that I have a voice message. I listen to it and she is indeed telling me that I have to call her as soon as possible. Finally I manage to locate the right contact and call her work cell phone. And............. no one answers. I'm starting to sweat thinking that she may be contacting another couple on the list and giving our baby away. Seconds later, she calls me back again. She says, "I'm calling for two reasons", I'm thinking, "Oh boy, TWINS!". That makes me smile just typing it. "First reason is that we need to reschedule your home visit to another date." I'm like ok, and...... "And the second is that I've been working with a new birthmom and she wants to meet you guys". Now, there was a lot more stuff after that, but I wasn't really listening. My only responses were, "You're kidding me" & "Friday". So, tomorrow we go to have our first match meeting. The only details I have are that the baby is healthy, the birthmom's name (I will be calling her "Kmom" here), and that she hasn't found out the sex because she didn't want to know. I'm mostly still in shock I think. I emailed our sw with a bunch of questions today. I'm hoping that the weather is good tomorrow so that I can wear the outfit that I'm wanting to wear. Khaki capri's, feminine frilly tank top with peach flowers, and a new pair of sandal's that my dad picked out for me recently. I have clue what to do with my hair. I know these are silly things but it's all the deeper my brain is letting me get right now. Tonight, I probably won't be able to sleep and I will be working myself up into a bunch of anxiety. I will probably puke at least once. Maybe even hyperventilate. By 2 o'clock tomorrow though, I will be as cool as a cucumber and ready for whatever. Am I getting my hopes up? Absolutely! All I got is hope. All I've ever had is hope! But, yeah, I realize that she may not like us. Even if she does, she might change her mind. She might decide to parent, even after the baby is born. Illinois law says she has to wait three days before signing surrenders. But, I gotta hope! I'll post about the meeting when we get home Friday. Your prayers are coveted and appreciated!

Discontentment

I think it is no secret that I've been suffering from discontentment for a pretty long time. This last week I've been reading up on all sorts of "family building" options. "Family building" - that's what they call it when people with broken reproducers try to find a way to have kids. I guess I decided that I was sick of waiting on domestic infant adoption and I was going to move on to something else. I researched international adoption, 3rd party gestation, and frozen embryo adoption. Each night I was up late reading the computer screen until my eyes were blurry and my mouse hand hurt. I discussed FEA with my husband and being the wonderful guy he is he said, "Lets go see a doctor I guess". But, I had been waiting from some word from the Lord letting me know what He thought we should do. I knew deep down that I hadn't gotten his permission yet to deviate from DIA. My own restlessness doesn't mean that He wants us to move on. It just means I'm impatient and controlling. Last night I decided that it was time to shut the computer down and do some reading before my brain completely roted away. While I was reading the latest Christian Amish book, some words from my husband came into mind. A few days ago he was talking about a coworker and he mentioned that he and his wife had never had any children. I asked him why they hadn't tried anything and his answer was, "I guess they are happy with their life just the two of them.". At the time I didn't give his statement much thought, but as it entered my memory out of nowhere last night I realized that God was speaking. Three years ago I was perfectly happy being a "family of two". I could see our life as being full of exciting adventures between my husband and I. I was so thankful for my marriage and the man God had put me with. I was content. I went into adoption with the attitude that if God gave us a baby that I would be so blessed but if He didn't then I could continue my happiness in our partnership. Unfortunately, something changed along the way. I became obsessed with being impatient. I wouldn't even say I was obsessed with the adoption itself or with hoping for a baby. I have been insanely impatient for the sake of being unhappy. I have been bathing in self pity. In conclusion, God said, "You better cut it out and be happy with the opportunity that I have given you!" (exact words mine of course). In other words, I have to be content with the place that God has brought me to (waiting) and live for the love story that He is writing within my life. So, there will be no changing strategies for me. I am glad to have more knowledge about international adoption and embryo adoption (they are both wonderful things), but we won't be doing them this time around, if ever. I have more faith now than I ever have that God will make us parents via domestic adoption. But, if we remain childless into old age then that has to be ok too. God has given me such an awesome thing that I don't deserve - my marriage. I've been going on and on about wishing that I could know what God has in store for my future. But, he probably isn't going to tell me and I have to accept that it doesn't matter because He has all of the control.

2 Years

We've been waiting for our baby for two years today. Alot can change in two years. The biggest thing that has changed for me is the belief that the Lord has adoption in our future. I just don't know anymore. Many times lately I've wondered, "but what if God never meant for us to adopt to begin with?". If adoption is not in God's plan for our future, then we've wasted so much effort and money. "How long do we wait until we give up?" How does one give up on something like this? I mean, that's a lot of money. Then there is the question of how to tell people that we gave up. People are always asking us if there is anything new or if we've "heard" anything. What is going to be the reaction when we suddenly say, "Actually, we aren't doing that anymore."? I mean, is quiting even an option here? Do we just wait indefinitely? Three years, six years, ten years from now can we still really say, "We're adopting"? I don't know what God wants for us.

2009

This is going to be my year. It has to be. I won't make through another Christmas without my baby. A new year leaves you full of hope. Like anything can happen.
The last thing I heard from Reta was that there was no new news. Not very encourageing, but I can't get sucked in. I do that. I get sucked into the vortex of losing hope and I spin into a full on fit. I have to remain focused on the important things. Like my relationship with God and my husband. I have to stay close to my husband. He and I only have each other. Kids or not (kids grow up and leave). Theres nothing I can do to hurry things up.

Raising Godly Tomatoes

click on the pic to visit the authors website

I'm going to need all the help I can get, so I'm checking out the website and hoping to get the book for my birthday.

No news

There hasn't been any news to tell for a while. I've been kind of frustrated with our social worker because she seems to be m.i.a. But, really, her involvement in our wait isn't really important. I'm not waiting on her to provide me with a baby, I'm waiting on the Lord.

Finished

We are finally finished. Reta called yesterday to tell me that we are officially ready to wait. We are family #10. Meaning if there is a birthmom who doesn't want to choose, they go with the couple whos been waiting the longest in line. But for those who do want to choose, they will see our letter and picture along with the other 10 clients. Talking to Reta yesterday, I was very calm. I thought I would be super excited, which I am, but I just felt contented. These past few years have been such a battle to get to this place. When I first found out about my infertility I was so angry and bitter. I thank God that Rick is strong.. a lesser man would have left me. Once I realized that God has a plan for me, I knew I just had to be patient and see what happens. Now I am closer to being a mommy than I ever thought I would be. I've learned so much about God and who He wants me to be throughout this whole experience and I wouldn't change any of it. I thank the Lord for his trials and his gifts.