Let me start this post by saying that I can't predict if an adoption match is going to end in a failed attempt. Nor am I saying that a "failed" adoption (I really prefer adoption loss) is always some one's fault. It's not. Sometimes the birthmom changes her mind and she has every right to do that. It's very sad for the adoptive couple but we're talking about a baby here. Cute and lovable. Who wouldn't want to keep that. Now that I'm a mom I understand a little better how hard it must have been for Olive's birthmom to say goodbye. It must be the worst pain.
I did want to post about possible signs that an adoption match might be a scam. I've gathered these through my own personal experience and the experience of other APs (adoptive parents) whom I know of.
- Asking for money: I think the biggest red flag is if the birthmom/parents ask for money. In many situations were you are working with an agency or lawyers they have rules about the exchange of money between birthparents and APs. For one thing, It's against the law to buy a baby. Sometimes an agreement is worked out where the APs pay for medical expenses or some living expenses. I don't happen to agree with that at all, but I know it happens. What I'm talking about is when you get hit up for money right off the bat. For example; you are contacted by a birthmom and she says she is interested in placing with you but only if you send her some money for this or that. It sounds fishy reading it here, but when you are so wanting to be parents you are blinded by that desire. In our failed adoption K was working our agency. She got help with living expenses, transportation, child care (both expenses and daycare), and medical expenses. We had no idea that all this was going on during our match. We know that our agency helps birthmoms, but was unaware of how much she was using them.
- Little white lies: things that you realize don't add up about birthmom's story or just anything. Someone who is a pathological lier uses them freely like breathing. In our match, K told us many lies. As I've said before I have no doubt that the whole thing was fake from the beginning. One lie that I caught her in was way in the beginning. She had told us that she was a certain age, however when I looked her up on facebook her profile had a birthday that said she was older. Of course it bothered me at first, but then I thought, "It isn't important to our situation so why should I care". If what you are being told doesn't make sense - question it until you get answerer's. K went back and forth with us about her due date and how far along she was. It seemed to change daily. Then she was having contractions or a c-section and then she wasn't. We were up and down all the time. Which brings me to my third point.
- Drama Queen: If the birthmom seems to love attention and makes big scenes then she might be in it simply for the spotlight. It was really hard for me to admit that someone could be this insensitive, but that is what K did with us.
- Not Struggling: If a birthmom is really trying to decide what is best for her baby by placing with you, then she should be really struggling emotionally. If she isn't then there is something wrong. It's one thing to like you as her couple or family, but letting someone else raise her child should be extremely difficult to deal with. K never once seemed conflicted. The whole time she was as cool as a cucumber. At the time that seemed like a good thing. That she was confident in us. Really she just didn't have anything to worry about. It's that simple.
- Intuition: Listen to your intuition. God put it there on purpose. If something seems off and you don't even have a name for it - proceed with caution.
I'm not posting this to scare anyone or upset anyone. I just thought that I had wished someone had warned me.
