Peanut Is Still In There

We had some excitement on Friday. Our social worker "N" called and said that Kmom was having regular contractions. My first reaction was fear because Peanut was so early. However, our next news was that Kmom was further along than previously thought. Kmom is said to now be 32 weeks along and Peanut is weighing in at 5 lbs. I was told that they were going to probably try to stop labor. Since, we haven't heard anything else since Friday I'm guessing that they were successful. People seemed to be appalled at the fact that we aren't totally up to date on everything going on, but all I can do is wait to be informed. This baby is not mine yet. Kmom can tell me as much or as little as she wants. I am thrilled that Peanut is still baking!

Meanwhile, I am still sick. Yesterday I gave in and went to the E.R. I really had had enough. After waiting for 4 hours they told me that it was a sinus infection. Chest X-ray was clear. I'm guessing that I got the sinus infection on top of the bronchitis. Anyway, I'm taking a stronger antibiotic. I took my first pill today, so we shall see. You know, when you get sick and you are feeling really miserable there is always a little comfort in knowing that the symptoms will pass in a few hours or days. I've been sick for around 4 weeks now and I'm having a hard time seeing the end of this tunnel at this point. The mucus continues.

The Doctors Appointment

The previous post was from about a week ago. I wrote it on my other blog but forgot to post it here.

I don't know why I didn't write about the experience before. I guess I just like to soak in things before I share. I met my mother at her work place and she drove from there. I'm not a great driver and I've never driven on the interstate before. To get to our agency- it requires interstate travel. Plus, it was special to have my mother along - even if she couldn't go to the actual appointment with me. My mom dropped me off at the agency and I climbed into a car with our social worker, "N". We picked up Kmom and one of her children. When we pulled up to the doctor's office, "N" commented on her eye bothering her. I asked if I could see it, and sure enough it was super red. By the time we all sat down in the waiting room her eye was blood red and swelling. She managed to get some benadryl from a nurse. In the meantime, we were escorted into the exam room. A very small exam room. 3 women, a small child, and a nurse - it was a very, very small room. The nurse brought in a glass of orange stuff that Kmom had to drink for her diabetes test. Then she says, "We will test you in exactly one hour". I had no idea that the gestational diabetes test takes a whole hour. None of us did. We all sort of looked at each other like we weren't sure we had prepared to be together for an hour. In the small room. The doctor came in. He looked a little taken back by the crowd before him. Even though he knew about the adoption stuff, I don't think he was prepared for the situation. He acted like he wasn't sure who to address in the room. All I said to him was, "Hi". I didn't say much at all. I felt like I should only be a casual observer. He did a quick sonogram. I say quick because he just squirted a little of that clear jelly on her belly and literally swiped his wand over it once. But, it was enough for me. That little bleep... bleep was awesome. It was the first time that I felt like I really was going to be a mommy (hopefully). Then Kmom asked the doctor if the sex of the baby was in the file. The doctor seemed confused, he was like - didn't we tell you before? Kmom reminded him that she didn't want to know, but she told him that the adoptive parents should know. I was floored that she actually wanted us to know. Like, it was her idea. Her suggestion. The doctor looks over at me and smiles. He flips through his file folder and asks if it would be ok if he wrote it down and put it in an envelope. I greedily shook my head yes. The nurse comes back in and starts to pull out the stirrups and that was our cue to go. "N" and I parked ourselves out in the waiting room again. Her eye was already looking better. Kmom's child had fallen asleep and because "N" was on the phone I held the kid. It was very different to be sitting in an O.B. waiting room, surrounded by pregnant women and holding a kid myself. Not my kid, but you know it was...... very...... like I didn't belong there. Some of the people who were there when we came in were still sitting there and I wondered what they thought about our crew. What, did they think the situation was - because we did turn a few heads when we all came in together. There is a racial difference. An age difference. And how normal is it for three women to come together for an O.B. appointment. Despite all of that, the biggest thing on my mind was that seemed so natural. Like of course it should be this way. We had been sitting out there for a while and "N" stepped outside to talk privately on her phone. Kmom came back. I wondered what her reaction would be if she saw me sitting there holding her child alone. She actually didn't seem to have one. I handed her child back to her and we had pretty good friendly conversation. "N" came back in and took on some of the small talk. Then a receptionist came out carrying a long white envelope and handed it to me. I felt like she was giving me the most precious gift that I've ever received thus far in my life. But, I simply slid it into my purse and redirected my attention as if it were no big deal. As the nurse had promised, we waited an hour and they told Kmom that she had passed her test. I didn't open the envelope until I was back in my mother's car. I asked my mom, "Are you sure you want to know?". Her answer was yes of course. I ripped open the envelope and it was written on an index card. I'm not going to write the sex here because it's an open blog and Kmom or "N" could stumble onto it. So, until baby comes I'm still saying Peanut on my blogs. It was an amazing experience and I am loving this whole thing.

Me and an O.B.

I've been to many a gyno's office in the past 7 years since infertility permeated my life. But, never for the purpose of using the doctor as an OB. Tomorrow I get to go with Kmom to a doctor's appointment and I have no idea what to expect. I'm so thankful that the social worker is going too. Kmom doesn't want to know the sex, but I'm hoping that I can find out for myself. It's so amazing that Kmom wants me to go. It was her suggestion that I should go with her. During our first meeting she even mentioned the possibility of me being in the delivery room. What an amazing experience that would be. Seriously, never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect such an awesome opportunity. She is the birthmom that I have been praying for all this time.

Peanut's First Picture

Isn't Peanut cute! This picture was taken on Monday. Kmom wanted us to have a copy of it. She is so awesome! You know, I have been excited and everything - but when I laid eyes on my Peanut, I was in love. It's all over folks. I'm officially hooked. Yeah, I have my hopes up!

The Rest of The Story

My mom used to listen to Paul Harvey, ergo I listened to it too. I loved how he would say, "and know the rest of the story".

I left something out of my story yesterday. Well, a lot of somethings actually, but I'm not giving all of the details of our conversation. It's just not necessary. I mean something pretty important. However, we had decided to keep it to ourselves for awhile. Or at least I thought we did. My hubby went over to my parent's house today and I guess my mother sensed that we had left some things out. She questioned him and he found himself faced with telling my mom the truth or lying. So, some of our news got out. I was a little annoyed but I figured if we were coming out with it then we might as well go for it. So, I'll start where I left off.
After we left our agency we stopped at a Petco because that's what childless couple's do. I was checking out the dog clothes and my phone rang. It was "N"s ring tone. I couldn't imagine why she would be calling us so soon. When she started talking I felt like she was going to tell us that we had struck out. She was speaking very slow and I guess I was trying to prepare myself for bad news. Then she said, "Kmom loved you guys and she wants you". I was quiet. Trying to process what she was saying. She was like, "Are you excited!". I answered yes but I was so numb. I think I recovered pretty good by faking it. I made my voice get squeaky. Before she hung up I had finally begun to realize what was happening. My hubby was standing there going - What? I just laughed. REALLY loud. I laughed with gladness. I laughed with relief. I laughed with that "Oh My CRAP I'm going to be a mom!". 2 years and 8 mos worth of heartache just leaked out of me with that laugh. Sarah laughed, and so did I.
"And Sarah laughed within herself...." Genesis 18:12

I will share that Kmom is due in August. We've decide to call the baby "peanut". It's been a pet name with us for many years and we don't want to say "it" for the next 4 mos. The exact due date is unknown because she wasn't aware of the pregnancy for several months. Peanut is healthy and right on track with everything according to Kmom's doctor. She has chosen not to find out the sex. We are excited, but can't help but be reserved. While she seems very sure about her decision, I know that a baby changes everything. She can and may change her mind about us or adoption all together. I've seen it happen over and over. As I've said before, though, I have to hope. It's all I've got. I would rather hope than live in misery trying not to.

Sweet Serenity

The picture pretty much describes how I am feeling right now. Very serene and calm. In fact I was calm all day. I slept peacefully last night. It was very unlike me considering the situation. I can only give God the credit. I knew that people were praying for us. I only shared our news with a few people. Of course the ladies at work new because that's where I was when I got the call. I was so excited. I also told three close friends, my sister-in-law, and my parents (oh, and anyone who reads my blog). I didn't want to tell everyone we knew because it's impossible to untell - like if she decided not to meet us after all. Anyway, I honestly only got a little nervous once. But, I'll get to that in a minute. First I just wanted to say that I'm not going to give every detail of our meeting. Some of it feels very raw and personal. But, I am excited to get some of it out. We both woke up about 8:00 a.m. this morning, even though we didn't really need to leave until 12:00. It takes about two hours to get to our agency. We snuggled in bed and talked about..... well, everything. We invited Mo into bed, which was a rare treat for him. About 9:30 I got up and gave myself a pedicure. Really, I did. I was planning to wear sandals and I knew it would make feel more confident. I picked, filed, exfoliated, buffed, and painted. I got showered and dressed (I ended up wearing jeans because it was a little chilly) around 11:00. My husband laid out some clothes, and I laid out some new ones. LOL Poor guy. I searched through my greeting card stash for the perfect thank you card. Our sw suggested that we bring a thank you card to give to Kmom. So, I found on that was homemade, like with all of that stampin stuff. Looked like I made it. I wrote something like, " thanks for meeting with us. we will be praying for you and your baby." and included a bible verse. At 12:00 we were off. We stopped half way at a Wendy's. By the way, there new sea salt fries are soggy. We arrived at the agency a few minutes before 2:00. The whole way there we just listened to the radio and chatted about our week. I was so surprised that neither of us was freaking out yet. We entered the building and checked in with the receptionist. "N" showed up after a couple minutes with our photo album. She said that we could show it to her to break the ice. So, with album in hand we followed her down the hall to a meeting room. As I sat down to begin talking all of my saliva was gone. But, I started in anyway and I was fine. We met for an hour. We asked a few questions, but the ball was mostly in Kmom's court. We really liked her. She is very friendly and funny. "N" walked us out and spoke to us briefly in the parking lot. She told us she would call us as soon as she knew what the verdict was.
At the moment that is all I'm willing to share. I had no idea that I would feel so reserved about it, but I do. It feels very precious.
"...and his mother kept and closely and persistently guarded all these things in her heart." Luke 2:51

THE Phone Call

You know, that magical phone call that all waiting adoptive couple's are waiting for. The one that has your social worker on the other end and she is saying, "You've been chosen!". We finally got one. Finally! After two years and 8 months, we finally really have a birthmom interested in meeting us. It happened Tuesday while I was at work. I was having a difficult day. The daycare children seemed to be particularly rowdy and my patients were long gone. I was all ready to enter my happy place and walk the rest of the day in auto pilot when I feel a vibration in my pocket. I take my phone out just in time to see that I have a missed call. I non-chalontly flip my phone open and choose to view who it was and I am awe struck to see that it is our social worker "N". My breath is caught in my chest as I realize that she has called me in the middle of the day when she knows I would be at work. She could have waited until later. It's an emergency!!! I look up at my boss who is looking at me with annoyance because I have my phone out during circle time. "It's our social worker", I say with as much wonderment as you can imagine and more. Her reaction is one of confusion- "Our adoption worker", I remind her. "Can I call her back!" It was really more of a declaration that I was going to call rather than a request for permission. She nods her head in acknowledgement while singing the silly preschool song coming from the boom box. I practically run to the kitchen where I can have a little quiet and privacy. I fumble with my phone buttons, trying to call up my "missed calls" category. Then my phone tells me that I have a voice message. I listen to it and she is indeed telling me that I have to call her as soon as possible. Finally I manage to locate the right contact and call her work cell phone. And............. no one answers. I'm starting to sweat thinking that she may be contacting another couple on the list and giving our baby away. Seconds later, she calls me back again. She says, "I'm calling for two reasons", I'm thinking, "Oh boy, TWINS!". That makes me smile just typing it. "First reason is that we need to reschedule your home visit to another date." I'm like ok, and...... "And the second is that I've been working with a new birthmom and she wants to meet you guys". Now, there was a lot more stuff after that, but I wasn't really listening. My only responses were, "You're kidding me" & "Friday". So, tomorrow we go to have our first match meeting. The only details I have are that the baby is healthy, the birthmom's name (I will be calling her "Kmom" here), and that she hasn't found out the sex because she didn't want to know. I'm mostly still in shock I think. I emailed our sw with a bunch of questions today. I'm hoping that the weather is good tomorrow so that I can wear the outfit that I'm wanting to wear. Khaki capri's, feminine frilly tank top with peach flowers, and a new pair of sandal's that my dad picked out for me recently. I have clue what to do with my hair. I know these are silly things but it's all the deeper my brain is letting me get right now. Tonight, I probably won't be able to sleep and I will be working myself up into a bunch of anxiety. I will probably puke at least once. Maybe even hyperventilate. By 2 o'clock tomorrow though, I will be as cool as a cucumber and ready for whatever. Am I getting my hopes up? Absolutely! All I got is hope. All I've ever had is hope! But, yeah, I realize that she may not like us. Even if she does, she might change her mind. She might decide to parent, even after the baby is born. Illinois law says she has to wait three days before signing surrenders. But, I gotta hope! I'll post about the meeting when we get home Friday. Your prayers are coveted and appreciated!