The End

We finalized May 15, 2012 @ 11:00a.m.

and that concludes this blog.

Thanks for following!

The Home Stretch

The finish line is in sight.  Next month we will have our final post placement visit.  After that, we can get our court date set up for finalization.  This experiance has been a marathon for sure.  Just two more months and Olive is ours legally, and we are done.  No more agency, no more waiting, no more worrying.  It sounds so sweet!

Possible Failed Adoption Ahead

Let me start this post by saying that I can't predict if an adoption match is going to end in a failed attempt. Nor am I saying that a "failed" adoption (I really prefer adoption loss) is always some one's fault. It's not. Sometimes the birthmom changes her mind and she has every right to do that. It's very sad for the adoptive couple but we're talking about a baby here. Cute and lovable. Who wouldn't want to keep that. Now that I'm a mom I understand a little better how hard it must have been for Olive's birthmom to say goodbye. It must be the worst pain.
I did want to post about possible signs that an adoption match might be a scam. I've gathered these through my own personal experience and the experience of other APs (adoptive parents) whom I know of.

1. Asking for money: I think the biggest red flag is if the birthmom/parents ask for money. In many situations were you are working with an agency or lawyers they have rules about the exchange of money between birthparents and APs. For one thing, It's against the law to buy a baby. Sometimes an agreement is worked out where the APs pay for medical expenses or some living expenses. I don't happen to agree with that at all, but I know it happens. What I'm talking about is when you get hit up for money right off the bat. For example; you are contacted by a birthmom and she says she is interested in placing with you but only if you send her some money for this or that. It sounds fishy reading it here, but when you are so wanting to be parents you are blinded by that desire. In our failed adoption K was working our agency. She got help with living expenses, transportation, child care (both expenses and daycare), and medical expenses. We had no idea that all this was going on during our match. We know that our agency helps birthmoms, but was unaware of how much she was using them.
2. Little white lies: things that you realize don't add up about birthmom's story or just anything. Someone who is a pathological lier uses them freely like breathing. In our match, K told us many lies. As I've said before I have no doubt that the whole thing was fake from the beginning. One lie that I caught her in was way in the beginning. She had told us that she was a certain age, however when I looked her up on facebook her profile had a birthday that said she was older. Of course it bothered me at first, but then I thought, "It isn't important to our situation so why should I care". If what you are being told doesn't make sense - question it until you get answerer's. K went back and forth with us about her due date and how far along she was. It seemed to change daily. Then she was having contractions or a c-section and then she wasn't. We were up and down all the time. Which brings me to my third point.
3. Drama Queen: If the birthmom seems to love attention and makes big scenes then she might be in it simply for the spotlight. It was really hard for me to admit that someone could be this insensitive, but that is what K did with us.
4. Not Struggling: If a birthmom is really trying to decide what is best for her baby by placing with you, then she should be really struggling emotionally. If she isn't then there is something wrong. It's one thing to like you as her couple or family, but letting someone else raise her child should be extremely difficult to deal with. K never once seemed conflicted. The whole time she was as cool as a cucumber. At the time that seemed like a good thing. That she was confident in us. Really she just didn't have anything to worry about. It's that simple.
5. Intuition: Listen to your intuition. God put it there on purpose. If something seems off and you don't even have a name for it - proceed with caution.

When your in the middle of a match it is a very happy time. I really enjoyed most of it. It was, I would think, a lot like being pregnant. You are looking at life through rose colored glasses. So, it is very hard to see if there is something wrong. If you're like me, there is some denial as well. I really thought that I had bonded with K. I went to her dr appointment with her. We emailed. We visited at the agency. I was sure that we were all in for an amazing open adoption experience. I was so wrong.
I'm not posting this to scare anyone or upset anyone. I just thought that I had wished someone had warned me.

1 Month Old

Olive is a month old today. Time has just flown by. Having a baby in the house has been a sizable adjustment. I have to say that I think it is even harder on couples who have 1. experienced infertility and been a family of two for any considerable amount of time & 2. have very little to no notice of baby's arrival. Our world changed in 3 days. Everything is different including the way we (hubby and I) relate to each other. Honestly, it has been really hard and even at sometimes terrible - but we are getting settled. I may write in more detail about my experience with this later. For right now I just want to keep things positive around here.

Olive is growing quickly. She is already 10 lbs! Overall she is a really good baby. She usually only cries when she really needs something. She has thrush, a herniated belly button, and neonatal teeth but other than that she is healthy. We are so blessed. My motto has been "My goal everyday is to keep her alive". I say it with a light hearted laugh, but most of the time a part of me half way means it. I am not at all confident in my mothering skills. It amazes me how life becomes very basic and primal with a newborn. Every little thing is an event, so all extra tasks; the ones that are not absolutely necessary go out the window. When she poops and burps there is a celebration. I've been staying with my mother during the week since hubby travels for his job. She and I have bonded on a whole new level. I'm so glad to get to experience this with her and I'm forever thankful for her help! I have no idea how some women do this totally on their own.

We had our first post placement visit on Oct. 17th. It went fine. We have been in contact with our lawyer to get things rolling. MamaT still hasn't had any contact with the agency. I think about her all the time. I wish I could be sharing these things with her.

Happy 1 month Birthday Olive!

At Long Last

I hope you'll forgive me for keeping you suspense.  After all I'm pretty busy now. 

At this moment miss Olive is resting against Nana's (my mom) chest.  She has been so spoiled this week.  Wow, she is a week old already.  That just doesn't seem possible.  A week ago today...

Around 11:00 a.m. on Wednesday the 5th I heard N's ringtone sound off from my phone.  I remember thinking, "What could she want?".  We had been on a break, so I didn't expect to be hearing from her much until the new year.  She said that there had been a baby girl born this morning.  I was sort of annoyed that she was calling.  Why is she telling me this stuff when we didn't want to be shown right now.  She said that all they knew right now was the baby was a girl, she was african american, and the birthmom wanted a family that didn't have children.  Which is why she called.  Since there are only a few families that are open to african american babies and have no children, she wanted to give the birthmom as many profiles as she could.  I told her that I would talk to hubby and call her back.  I figured he would say no.  We were still healing from BabyZ and Ella Grace.  To my surprise he didn't.  He said to tell N that we would like more information.  So, I did.  Around 2:00 p.m. N called again and said that baby was healthy.  Birthmom did not report any substance abuse or medical/mental problems.  I called hubby back and all of the sudden we were back in the game again.  I let N know that we did want to be shown.  Very shortly after she called and said that we had been picked.  She said that R (who was handling the case) had already shown us (forgetting about our break) and that Mama T (what I will be calling Olive's birthmom) picked us.  It was unbelievable!  We were chosen again.  But, my hubby was in Iowa!  He travels for his job.  At first I thought, well I will just have to go and do this on my own.  Thankfully, my mom agreed to go with me to see her.  On Thursday the 6th (also my 30th birthday) we meet N & R at the hospital @ 10:15 a.m.  They got us a small room (which ended up being our room to stay) and brought her to us.  I had to ask if they had brought us the right baby.  Her skin was so light.  She looked Caucasian.  The nurse assured me that she was the right one.  She said that she may get darker, or she may not.  In fact, she already has darkened slightly.  I just stood there.  I was scared to death to hold her.  I looked over at my mom and I knew that if I didn't she was going too.  After some awkwardness picking her up I held her.  She was beautiful.  So, so beautiful.  I felt content.  Not at all the way that I felt the first time I held BabyZ or Ella Grace.  R told us that Mama T had signed herself out of the hospital the night before.  R said that she had spent some time with Olive, but that she seemed sure about adoption.  Mama T did not want any contact, just pictures at the agency.  I'm hoping that will change.  It has always been my goal to have at least a semi open adoption.  My mom and I cared for Olive in the hospital that night.  At least for a while anyway before I utilized the convenience of the nursery down the hall.  Hubby finally arrived on Friday morning.  The daddy in him was already showing again.  Olive was perfect.  She ate like a horse.  She had regular wet and dirty diapers.  She burped easily and slept well.  After seeing such a sick baby in Ella Grace, it was a relief.  It is a blessing that I won't take for granted.  My mom got a hotel so that hubby and I could spend some time with her.  Surrenders were scheduled to be signed Saturday morning.  Caring for Olive bonded me to her during those 2 days.  The fact that Mama T could change her mind really didn't exist for me.  I didn't need her to sign to make Olive mine, she already was.  R came into our room around 10:30 a.m. and said she was ours.  Seconds later the tiny room was filled with people asking questions, giving us info, and shuffling papers.  It was funny because a nurse still had to wheel me out in a wheel chair even though I hadn't given birth.  Then we were on our way home.  We made a few stops so that we could share her with our families.   Our first night, my hubby got up with her and let me rest.  Being in the hospital had been exhausting.  We went to church on Sunday and showed her off.  She has had several visitors.  Now I am staying with my parents because hubby had to go back to work today.  I don't think that everything has totally set in with me yet.  But, I'm adjusting.  It's been a long road to get to Olive.  A long, hard road.  She was so worth everything.   

Introducing......

Our daughter!

Olive (that's what I'm calling her in blogland)

born 10-5-11 @ 5:22a.m.

weight: 6lbs 10oz

length: 19 inches

placed in our hearts 10-8-11 @ 10:30a.m.

and she has the longest fingers I've ever seen on a baby - really she does.

I will post the whole story soon, but for now just enjoy the picture and the glory of it all! 

She was absolutely worth the wait!

BabyZ at 2 months

I wish the picture was better but I'm sure she took it with her phone.  I've been stalking K on facebook, almost daily.  We aren't "friends" but I am able to see some things.  She posted this picture recently.  It's the only picture she has posted of BabyZ.  I find that sort of odd that she wouldn't be showing off scads of pictures of her new little girl.  But, anyway.... she is growing more beautiful all of the time. 

Also, we got an update about Ella Grace.  She has an adoptive family!!!  She is in a nice children's hospital getting the care that she needs.  They named her Isabella Grayce.  It is so amazing that we had a part in naming her.  I guess that's why she needed us. 

Give Me A Break

We are taking an adoption break.  Our agency has the option for families to sort of go "on hold".  Basically we will stop being showed to birthmoms for a while.  When we go back to being active we will resume our position on the list. 

It's very obvious to us that we aren't in the right frame of mind or heart to dive into another match if one was to come along.  We need to heal and spend some time living outside the adoption bubble.  It may be a few weeks, months, or even until after the new year.  As I told N, we need to rest. 

Update#2

I've been struggling with trying to figure out how to write this.  I know I need to, but a huge part of me doesn't want to at all.  It's horrid really.  My grief is immense.  My guilt and shame as well.  There's nothing that I can say or do that will change how it turned out.  I'm hoping that one day I can see all sides clearly. 

We got to see Ella before Mama Live signed the papers.  She did eventually sign a few hours after she was originally scheduled to do so.  R told us that she seemed to be at peace with her choice.  Anyway, when we walked up to Ella's incubator I noticed that she wasn't as small I expected.  I had never seen a premature baby up close before, but I thought that she would be much tinier.  She looked to be only a bit smaller than a healthy full term baby.  However, you could tell right away that she was anything but.  My hubby's first question was, "Is she blind?".  The nurse said that she didn't know.  Her eyes were totally blank.  She stared at nothing.  I don't recall even seeing her blink.  It was like looking into a doll's eyes.  There was nothing there to respond back.  It was terribly shocking.  Even worse was that she never cried or made any noise at all.  Except for gagging.  Her little body was involuntarily spasming every time she tried to cough up the mucus that threaten to suffocate her.  She wasn't strong enough to cough so the nurses had to suction her throat every few minutes.  It seemed like each time a nurse would insert that suction tube, they would poke it even deeper than the time before.   When the spasms would stop for a few minutes we could put our hands through the holes in the incubator and touch her.  She had little to no reaction to the stimulation.  She had a tube for feeding in her nose, all kinds of wires coming from her right hand and arm, and heart stickers on her chest.  All the numbers on the machine over head were different for her than the other babies near her.  Our first visit only lasted a few minutes.  As heartbreaking as it was to see a baby in such a condition, I didn't want to leave her.  R, N, & an intern I'll call "A" stood outside the NICU waiting for us.  We rejoined them.  Also standing with them was the doctor.  He told us that Ella had been exposed to more than just heroin.  She also tested positive for cocaine and meth.  I would venture to say that she was probably exposed to cigarettes and alcohol too since those things usually round out an addicts lifestyle.  The doctor said that it was too early to tell how she would do.  But, he seemed to be very positive about her.  I really wanted to believe him.  Really, really bad.  It was the nurse that spoke the truth as much as I didn't want to hear it.  When we were standing with Ella, she mentioned how bad it looked in several different ways.  R, N, & A all went to see Ella themselves.  N came back with an expression on her face that told me that she was scared too.  We walked down the hall to a waiting area to discuss everything.  I don't remember everything that was said.  We were still waiting for Mama Live to sign.  I just kept thinking that Ella needed someone.  She deserved to have parents and a name.  We decided to all go to the cafeteria for lunch.  We ate and talked about other things.  I talked to my sister-in-law (a nurse) several times on the phone.  At this point I didn't think that I could see her again until papers were signed.  It was just too hard.  Finally Mama Live texted R to meet her to sign papers.  Me, hubby, and N went back to the waiting area.  N questioned us about a lot of things.  I stated several times that I didn't know what I thought we should do.  After an hour, R & A came back and said that Mama Live had signed.  Ella was ours for the taking.  I wanted a baby so bad.  We went back into the NICU.  I asked the nurse if I could hold her.  When she placed her in my arms it was like I didn't see the tubes and wires anymore.  I didn't notice the lifelessness in her eyes.  I didn't care about how sick she was or what it would take to keep her alive.  The nurse tried to tell me again how hard it would be, but I didn't want to listen.  My sister-in-law called again with concerns that we were getting in over our heads, I didn't hear her.  I told my hubby that I wanted her.  I wanted her right then.  No waiting.  No thinking.  No praying.  We passed her back and forth.  I don't know how long we left our entourage waiting in the hallway, but eventually N came over and tried to speak with us.  I don't know what she said.  I told her that we wanted Ella.  She said that the placement papers weren't usually signed until the baby was discharged but she could see about getting them for us right then.  My hubby said no, that they could wait.  I still didn't care what they were saying.  Like I was in a happy little bubble of denial.  N hugged me and I started to cry.  I didn't question the fact that it was a sad cry instead of a happy cry.  I don't know why.  We stayed a while longer.  The nurse still trying to tell me, me still blowing her off.  Finally we had to say goodbye because I had to get up early the next day to have surgery.  The nurse placed her back into her box.  I said, "Bye bye Ella" several times.  I had been rocking her too.  If we hadn't been around others I'm sure I would have sang to her also.  All the things that I wouldn't allow myself to do with BabyZ.  After we left we ate dinner.  I was all smiles.  I was finally going to have the baby that I had desired for so long.  I called my mom and told her all of the great news, as I saw it.  We decided to stay the night at my mom's since she would be taking me to my surgery the next morning.  I was insisting that my hubby go be with our baby instead of going with us.  About 20 minutes from my mom's house - it was like a bomb dropped on me.  I can't tell you what forced me to come out of my haze.  But, everything was suddenly very clear to me.    I started to try to talk it out.  I realized that there was no way we could take her.  I was finally hearing everything that the nurse had been trying to tell me.  Our situation wasn't compatible with what she needed.  My hubby is gone several days at a time for his job.  Sometimes all week.  If Ella was severally handicapped she would need two parents caring for her at all times.  Not to mention the money factor.  These were things that were true and would not change.  I started saying them.  Hubby was trying to come up with solutions, but that just made me louder.  It was like I was trying to get through to myself.  I've never screamed at him like that before, and I promise never to do it again.  I was pounding my fist on the dash yelling, "Don't you see, it doesn't matter how much I want her - she needs better!".  I'm surprised that he didn't throw my out of our truck along side the highway.  It's just a testament to the wonderful man that he is.  I was acting like a lunatic.  But, it was true.  We both knew it, although it would take him another 24 hours to let go of her.  The rest of the way to my mom's house I cried harder and crazier than I ever have before.  I couldn't believe what I had done.  I said yes to the situation just for the sack of saying yes.  Putting aside the reality of Ella's obvious condition to try and make my sick fantasy come true.  I did love her.  But, I couldn't take her.  I was not the best thing for her.  When my hubby was ready, I texted N and told her that we couldn't take the placement.  Being the nice woman that she is she said she understood. 

The last update (this morning) I received on Ella was that there was no change.  She was not gaining weight.  She is not thriving.  She needs a miracle.  And, she still needs a family.

Marshmallow Match

The last blog post as become our story to tell. 

4:13 p.m. - N calls and says that baby (we decided to call her Marshmallow, hubby's idea) tested positive for heroin.  She wanted to know if we were still on board.  We said we were.  She said that they were still working with birthmom (I honestly don't know her name, so I'm going to call her Mama Live because I hope she will soon begin to live her life without addiction). 

4:49 p.m. - N calls again.  She says that there had been some debate on if they should tell us the news or not because of our recent loss but N finally won out on the basis that A. she had just met with me on Friday and felt that I had been dealing with the grief very well and B. that hubby has a very unpredictable travel schedule for work.  Mama Live did not want to chose a family.  So, by default we were it.  We were the first family on the list that was open to the situation.  We were really excited. 

According to the doctor Marshmallow is doing very well.  Other than being small and a bit jittery, she is perfect so far.  We are praying that her withdrawal is as painless as possible.  From what I read it starts within the first few days of life.  I'm sort of glad that she was premature also because she will be spending probably at least two weeks in the hospital.  As far as long term affects, we just don't know.  They could be as simple as minor learning disabilities, or as bad as retardation, or anything in between.  All we can do is pray.  "R", the other social worker that is working the situation because N is out of town, said that Marshmallow is beautiful and has lots of dark hair.  Her race is sort of up in the air right now.  Some of the nurses say they think she is white, some say she is biracial.  Time will tell I guess.  Mama Live is white, so needless to say the birthdad is truly unknown.  In fact, Mama Live didn't know she was pregnant.  It is estimated that she was 34 weeks along.  It's a miracle that Marshmallow wasn't smaller. 

Mama Live is an addict, as I said.  She told R that she knows she has a problem and needs help but she isn't ready yet.  After giving birth to Marshmallow, they took her to the nursery and Mama Live hasn't seen her.  She didn't even want to know Marshmallow's gender.  She doesn't want to meet us and she doesn't want any contact after placement.  Her only request was pictures, updates, and letters to be sent to the agency over the years just in case she later wants them.  I will gladly do it.  I'm really feeling so sad for Mama Live.  She obviously has a lot of issues and needs as much prayer as Marshmallow. 

Surrenders are scheduled to be signed on Wednesday @ 11:00a.m.  We are not allowed to see Marshmallow until she is ours.  This is really hard.  We want to be with her so badly.  Or at least to see her once.  I'm sure the nurses are wonderful and are taking good care of her, but I get these visions of her laying among dozens of other babies, no one paying her any attention.  No one bonding with her.  But, it is out of our control.  I keep praying that the Lord will put an angel with her to comfort her until I can.  I am hoping that the hospital will have room for me to stay there with her through her until we can bring her home.  If not, then I'm not sure what I am going to do.  We can't afford a hotel for two weeks (or more).  I could drive back and forth, but it's two hours each way.  We'll just have to see what happens.

On My Knees

This morning I was woke up by my phone, but it wasn't my alarm.  It was N's ringtone.  As sleepy as I was I could tell it was early, but the sun was up.  My first thought was, "All babies are born in the early morning".  I answered and N apologized for calling so early.  She is so polite, but really she could call me seriously any time at all.  The one person on the planet that I don't mind hearing from no matter what time it is.  She said that a baby girl had been born this morning.  She is premature, born at 34 weeks.  She weighs 4 lbs (and some ounces-I already forget what she said).  Birthmom is Caucasian.  Birthdad is unknown.  The more she talks the more excited I am.  Then she says that bmom admits to using heroin during the pregnancy and she had no prenatal care.  My heart immediately began to hurt.  I never blame the addicted.  We all have our vices.  It's the demon of addiction and this broken world that is at fault.  N wanted to know if we would be open to the situation.  If we would like to have our profile shown to the bmom.  In my heart, I heard "yes".  But, before I could answer she told me to talk to my hubby about it and let her know.  So, I hung up and woke him up.  He considered it carefully and asked what I thought.  I told him that I didn't know because I wanted his honest opinion rather than his desire to please me.  After several more minutes he said, "Yeah, lets do it".  I texted N back with a simple "yes".    We decided to go back to sleep to make sure we were good and rested.  We would stick close to home just in case we did get the call to go to the hospital.  At 12:30 I texted N for an update.  She said that they were still working with the bmom.  That was the last I heard.  It's 2:30 now.  I don't know how many couples were open to the situation.  My guess would be very few.  There have been a few other situations that involved hard drugs, and most of the other couples weren't up to it.  Including us.  Always before we said no.  My only explanation to our change of heart is our time with BabyZ.  Not that her situation involved drugs.  But, holding her and caring for her really changed us.  These "situations" are babies.  BabyZ didn't make us parents - but she did give us a whole new love for babies.  And an even stronger desire to care for one.

I'm praying that this baby girl does not test positive for heroin.  She should not have to suffer because of addiction.  I'm praying that she will be perfect and flourish.  I'm praying that her mother will get the help she needs.  That she will be able to do what is best for her child and herself.  I'm praying that it will all turn out for God's glory. 

This baby girl and her mother already have a place in my heart and I will continue to pray for them even if we aren't picked. 

Meeting Coming Up

We have a meeting with our social worker next Friday September 2nd.  Or maybe I should say that I have a meeting with her.  Hubby might not be able to go depending on where he is sent for work.  It will be the first time that she and I have talked since the failed adoption (or as I like to call it "adoption loss").  I requested the meeting weeks ago.  I thought it would help me feel like we were regrouping.  I plan to talk to her about our expectations of our next match.  Things are going to be a little different next time around.  Our post placement openness will remain the same.  But, now that I know what to expect during the pre-placement stage there is no way that I can be as open and trusting.  We have to protect ourselves.  With K we exchanged emails.  I can't do that again.  We can't stay at the hospital again.  We plan to get a hotel room nearby and spend a lot of time with baby in the nursery until surrenders are signed.  I can't share our baby names again.  I think it would be a better idea for all of us to come up with a nickname for the baby until surrenders are signed.  If birthmom has an issue with not naming the baby then we know we have a problem.  We can't pay any of her expenses.  We did that for K and we regret it big time.  I can't go to doctors appointments.  It's better to make up my mind about these things and let N know ahead of time that way everyone will be on the same page when the time comes.  Also, I'm going to bring with me an updated version of our letter.  I'm working on getting new pictures taken (as soon as the weather cools down) and one of those fancy photo books instead of just the album that we had before. 

Adoption Loss: Loosing BabyZ

Adoption Loss

[BabyZ only a few hours old]

I've posted all about our story of meeting and then loosing BabyZ (formally know as El on my blogs) on my main blog.  They are lengthy posts so it seems easier to just link to them here rather than even copy&paste. 

Pictures and A Video

Mis-Matched Part 1

Mis-Matched Part 2

Note: Kmom will be know as just "K" from now on as well. 

Houston We Have A Problem

The inducement isn't happening. I really don't understand for sure what is going on, all I know is that it is not happening. I'm confused, frustrated, suspicious and tired. I need a vacation.

Disappointment

Don't get me wrong, I can deal with disappointment. It goes with the territory. But, it's never easy. Today N texted me and told me that Kmom had gone to the hospital again yesterday because she was having trouble. While she was there they gave her an ultrasound. So, she isn't having one tomorrow. I was so looking forward to seeing El in action. I've never looked at an ultrasound screen and seen a baby on there, only cysts or my weird uterus. It meant a lot to me. [sigh] Oh well. The rest of the news isn't real encouraging. The baby has turned from her breech position, but she is now sideways. Also, Kmom has made it definite that she is waiting for El to come on her own rather than provoking her arrival this weekend. Which brings me back to simply waiting and seeing. Seeing and waiting. It puts me in the mind of Eeyore - "Oh Bother!".

Ultrasound Appointment

Isn't that an amazing picture of a baby in utero. I'm sure it is probably not actually in utero but it is really neat anyway.

Friday Kmom is having an ultrasound. She had an amnio last Saturday, although we haven't heard the results. If the doctor thinks the the baby is developed enough and that it would be best for Kmom to deliver, then we may have a baby on Friday. However, Kmom isn't too thrilled about the turning, inducement, or a c-section. Basically, she would be more comfortable with El just coming on her own time. I would be thrilled if El came this weekend, but I just want everyone to be happy and healthy. At the moment I'm trying to focus on just the ultrasound.

It's A Girl!

You can't believe how hard it has been not to tell. The reason that I can tell now is that Kmom found out the sex, accidentally. She wasn't feeling well last week and went to the hospital and a nurse spilled the beans to her. Our visit went well. Kmom told us that the baby is breach. Because Kmom's health isn't good they are hoping to deliver baby on Friday. They are going to try to turn baby. But, if they can't then they will do a c-section. Kmom has said that she wants me in the room for a vaginal birth. She is allowing us to name the baby. We have chosen the name, but here I will be calling her "El". We will have our own room at the hospital for the 72 hour wait and El will room with us. I'm just more thrilled than I can stand.

Peanut Is Still In There

We had some excitement on Friday. Our social worker "N" called and said that Kmom was having regular contractions. My first reaction was fear because Peanut was so early. However, our next news was that Kmom was further along than previously thought. Kmom is said to now be 32 weeks along and Peanut is weighing in at 5 lbs. I was told that they were going to probably try to stop labor. Since, we haven't heard anything else since Friday I'm guessing that they were successful. People seemed to be appalled at the fact that we aren't totally up to date on everything going on, but all I can do is wait to be informed. This baby is not mine yet. Kmom can tell me as much or as little as she wants. I am thrilled that Peanut is still baking!

Meanwhile, I am still sick. Yesterday I gave in and went to the E.R. I really had had enough. After waiting for 4 hours they told me that it was a sinus infection. Chest X-ray was clear. I'm guessing that I got the sinus infection on top of the bronchitis. Anyway, I'm taking a stronger antibiotic. I took my first pill today, so we shall see. You know, when you get sick and you are feeling really miserable there is always a little comfort in knowing that the symptoms will pass in a few hours or days. I've been sick for around 4 weeks now and I'm having a hard time seeing the end of this tunnel at this point. The mucus continues.

The Doctors Appointment

The previous post was from about a week ago. I wrote it on my other blog but forgot to post it here.

I don't know why I didn't write about the experience before. I guess I just like to soak in things before I share. I met my mother at her work place and she drove from there. I'm not a great driver and I've never driven on the interstate before. To get to our agency- it requires interstate travel. Plus, it was special to have my mother along - even if she couldn't go to the actual appointment with me. My mom dropped me off at the agency and I climbed into a car with our social worker, "N". We picked up Kmom and one of her children. When we pulled up to the doctor's office, "N" commented on her eye bothering her. I asked if I could see it, and sure enough it was super red. By the time we all sat down in the waiting room her eye was blood red and swelling. She managed to get some benadryl from a nurse. In the meantime, we were escorted into the exam room. A very small exam room. 3 women, a small child, and a nurse - it was a very, very small room. The nurse brought in a glass of orange stuff that Kmom had to drink for her diabetes test. Then she says, "We will test you in exactly one hour". I had no idea that the gestational diabetes test takes a whole hour. None of us did. We all sort of looked at each other like we weren't sure we had prepared to be together for an hour. In the small room. The doctor came in. He looked a little taken back by the crowd before him. Even though he knew about the adoption stuff, I don't think he was prepared for the situation. He acted like he wasn't sure who to address in the room. All I said to him was, "Hi". I didn't say much at all. I felt like I should only be a casual observer. He did a quick sonogram. I say quick because he just squirted a little of that clear jelly on her belly and literally swiped his wand over it once. But, it was enough for me. That little bleep... bleep was awesome. It was the first time that I felt like I really was going to be a mommy (hopefully). Then Kmom asked the doctor if the sex of the baby was in the file. The doctor seemed confused, he was like - didn't we tell you before? Kmom reminded him that she didn't want to know, but she told him that the adoptive parents should know. I was floored that she actually wanted us to know. Like, it was her idea. Her suggestion. The doctor looks over at me and smiles. He flips through his file folder and asks if it would be ok if he wrote it down and put it in an envelope. I greedily shook my head yes. The nurse comes back in and starts to pull out the stirrups and that was our cue to go. "N" and I parked ourselves out in the waiting room again. Her eye was already looking better. Kmom's child had fallen asleep and because "N" was on the phone I held the kid. It was very different to be sitting in an O.B. waiting room, surrounded by pregnant women and holding a kid myself. Not my kid, but you know it was...... very...... like I didn't belong there. Some of the people who were there when we came in were still sitting there and I wondered what they thought about our crew. What, did they think the situation was - because we did turn a few heads when we all came in together. There is a racial difference. An age difference. And how normal is it for three women to come together for an O.B. appointment. Despite all of that, the biggest thing on my mind was that seemed so natural. Like of course it should be this way. We had been sitting out there for a while and "N" stepped outside to talk privately on her phone. Kmom came back. I wondered what her reaction would be if she saw me sitting there holding her child alone. She actually didn't seem to have one. I handed her child back to her and we had pretty good friendly conversation. "N" came back in and took on some of the small talk. Then a receptionist came out carrying a long white envelope and handed it to me. I felt like she was giving me the most precious gift that I've ever received thus far in my life. But, I simply slid it into my purse and redirected my attention as if it were no big deal. As the nurse had promised, we waited an hour and they told Kmom that she had passed her test. I didn't open the envelope until I was back in my mother's car. I asked my mom, "Are you sure you want to know?". Her answer was yes of course. I ripped open the envelope and it was written on an index card. I'm not going to write the sex here because it's an open blog and Kmom or "N" could stumble onto it. So, until baby comes I'm still saying Peanut on my blogs. It was an amazing experience and I am loving this whole thing.

Me and an O.B.

I've been to many a gyno's office in the past 7 years since infertility permeated my life. But, never for the purpose of using the doctor as an OB. Tomorrow I get to go with Kmom to a doctor's appointment and I have no idea what to expect. I'm so thankful that the social worker is going too. Kmom doesn't want to know the sex, but I'm hoping that I can find out for myself. It's so amazing that Kmom wants me to go. It was her suggestion that I should go with her. During our first meeting she even mentioned the possibility of me being in the delivery room. What an amazing experience that would be. Seriously, never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect such an awesome opportunity. She is the birthmom that I have been praying for all this time.