I've been struggling with trying to figure out how to write this. I know I need to, but a huge part of me doesn't want to at all. It's horrid really. My grief is immense. My guilt and shame as well. There's nothing that I can say or do that will change how it turned out. I'm hoping that one day I can see all sides clearly.
We got to see Ella before Mama Live signed the papers. She did eventually sign a few hours after she was originally scheduled to do so. R told us that she seemed to be at peace with her choice. Anyway, when we walked up to Ella's incubator I noticed that she wasn't as small I expected. I had never seen a premature baby up close before, but I thought that she would be much tinier. She looked to be only a bit smaller than a healthy full term baby. However, you could tell right away that she was anything but. My hubby's first question was, "Is she blind?". The nurse said that she didn't know. Her eyes were totally blank. She stared at nothing. I don't recall even seeing her blink. It was like looking into a doll's eyes. There was nothing there to respond back. It was terribly shocking. Even worse was that she never cried or made any noise at all. Except for gagging. Her little body was involuntarily spasming every time she tried to cough up the mucus that threaten to suffocate her. She wasn't strong enough to cough so the nurses had to suction her throat every few minutes. It seemed like each time a nurse would insert that suction tube, they would poke it even deeper than the time before. When the spasms would stop for a few minutes we could put our hands through the holes in the incubator and touch her. She had little to no reaction to the stimulation. She had a tube for feeding in her nose, all kinds of wires coming from her right hand and arm, and heart stickers on her chest. All the numbers on the machine over head were different for her than the other babies near her. Our first visit only lasted a few minutes. As heartbreaking as it was to see a baby in such a condition, I didn't want to leave her. R, N, & an intern I'll call "A" stood outside the NICU waiting for us. We rejoined them. Also standing with them was the doctor. He told us that Ella had been exposed to more than just heroin. She also tested positive for cocaine and meth. I would venture to say that she was probably exposed to cigarettes and alcohol too since those things usually round out an addicts lifestyle. The doctor said that it was too early to tell how she would do. But, he seemed to be very positive about her. I really wanted to believe him. Really, really bad. It was the nurse that spoke the truth as much as I didn't want to hear it. When we were standing with Ella, she mentioned how bad it looked in several different ways. R, N, & A all went to see Ella themselves. N came back with an expression on her face that told me that she was scared too. We walked down the hall to a waiting area to discuss everything. I don't remember everything that was said. We were still waiting for Mama Live to sign. I just kept thinking that Ella needed someone. She deserved to have parents and a name. We decided to all go to the cafeteria for lunch. We ate and talked about other things. I talked to my sister-in-law (a nurse) several times on the phone. At this point I didn't think that I could see her again until papers were signed. It was just too hard. Finally Mama Live texted R to meet her to sign papers. Me, hubby, and N went back to the waiting area. N questioned us about a lot of things. I stated several times that I didn't know what I thought we should do. After an hour, R & A came back and said that Mama Live had signed. Ella was ours for the taking. I wanted a baby so bad. We went back into the NICU. I asked the nurse if I could hold her. When she placed her in my arms it was like I didn't see the tubes and wires anymore. I didn't notice the lifelessness in her eyes. I didn't care about how sick she was or what it would take to keep her alive. The nurse tried to tell me again how hard it would be, but I didn't want to listen. My sister-in-law called again with concerns that we were getting in over our heads, I didn't hear her. I told my hubby that I wanted her. I wanted her right then. No waiting. No thinking. No praying. We passed her back and forth. I don't know how long we left our entourage waiting in the hallway, but eventually N came over and tried to speak with us. I don't know what she said. I told her that we wanted Ella. She said that the placement papers weren't usually signed until the baby was discharged but she could see about getting them for us right then. My hubby said no, that they could wait. I still didn't care what they were saying. Like I was in a happy little bubble of denial. N hugged me and I started to cry. I didn't question the fact that it was a sad cry instead of a happy cry. I don't know why. We stayed a while longer. The nurse still trying to tell me, me still blowing her off. Finally we had to say goodbye because I had to get up early the next day to have surgery. The nurse placed her back into her box. I said, "Bye bye Ella" several times. I had been rocking her too. If we hadn't been around others I'm sure I would have sang to her also. All the things that I wouldn't allow myself to do with BabyZ. After we left we ate dinner. I was all smiles. I was finally going to have the baby that I had desired for so long. I called my mom and told her all of the great news, as I saw it. We decided to stay the night at my mom's since she would be taking me to my surgery the next morning. I was insisting that my hubby go be with our baby instead of going with us. About 20 minutes from my mom's house - it was like a bomb dropped on me. I can't tell you what forced me to come out of my haze. But, everything was suddenly very clear to me. I started to try to talk it out. I realized that there was no way we could take her. I was finally hearing everything that the nurse had been trying to tell me. Our situation wasn't compatible with what she needed. My hubby is gone several days at a time for his job. Sometimes all week. If Ella was severally handicapped she would need two parents caring for her at all times. Not to mention the money factor. These were things that were true and would not change. I started saying them. Hubby was trying to come up with solutions, but that just made me louder. It was like I was trying to get through to myself. I've never screamed at him like that before, and I promise never to do it again. I was pounding my fist on the dash yelling, "Don't you see, it doesn't matter how much I want her - she needs better!". I'm surprised that he didn't throw my out of our truck along side the highway. It's just a testament to the wonderful man that he is. I was acting like a lunatic. But, it was true. We both knew it, although it would take him another 24 hours to let go of her. The rest of the way to my mom's house I cried harder and crazier than I ever have before. I couldn't believe what I had done. I said yes to the situation just for the sack of saying yes. Putting aside the reality of Ella's obvious condition to try and make my sick fantasy come true. I did love her. But, I couldn't take her. I was not the best thing for her. When my hubby was ready, I texted N and told her that we couldn't take the placement. Being the nice woman that she is she said she understood.
The last update (this morning) I received on Ella was that there was no change. She was not gaining weight. She is not thriving. She needs a miracle. And, she still needs a family.
