Waiting

This waiting business is much harder than I ever thought it would be. Basically it is slowly driving me crazy. Recently I described it to a friend like this: "its like taking off a band aid real slow". Its torturous. Its driven me into therapy. Seriously. I've had two sessions and going for my third tomorrow. I've even considered that I might want to give up. Yes, I very much want to be a mother. But, I'm not sure how much more I can take of this. Every time I hear of another couple being chosen its like a rejection of me. I do want to be happy for them. But, I can't get past my own feelings of sadness that it wasn't us chosen. I've been resorting to some childish stuff. "Its not fair", "Does God care", etc. In my mind I know better. Of course God cares. Life isn't fair. I should have faith and hope in God's perfect plan. Everyone is so good at reminding me too. The other part of me, the selfish sinner part, goes "THIS SUCKS!". Another unhealthy thing that has reared its ugly head is my insane need to make life stop. Its like, I just want to sit right here in this very uncomfortable, unhappy spot until my baby comes. Life must not go on. In fact, life can not begin until I hold him/her in my arms. I put myself (and my husband) in limbo. If you dare suggest that I move forward with anything, I will become irate. "Stop it! Leave me alone whilst I sit here and wait for life to happen!". I create a bubble of misery wherever I go. Why do I do this? I don't know, I guess its just how I deal with things. I'll let you know if my therapist is able to cure me of myself.